Hello Operator...it's the Penguins

(SCENE: SIDNEY CROSBY, JORDAN STAAL and MARC-ANDRE FLEURY are all sitting in a hotel room in Detroit.)

FLEURY: Man, I’m so bored! What do we do in Detroit for fun?

CROSBY: I dunno. We could…go bowling?

STAAL: Nah.

FLEURY: We could throw water balloons at cars.

CROSBY: I don’t think the drivers would like that much.

STAAL: We could prank call people.

CROSBY: Isn’t that illegal?

STAAL: (as he takes hotel phone and dials a random number) Maybe. (hands phone to CROSBY) Ok, just make up a fake name.

CROSBY: (in phone) Uh, hi. This is Fakey Fakename…erton. Uhhh… (to STAAL and FLEURY) What do I do now?

FLEURY: Ask if dere refrigerator is running!

CROSBY: Is you refrigerator malfunctioning?

ANSWERER: Actually, Yes, it has been for the past two GODDAMN WEEKS and NONE of you lazy sonsaBITCHES can seem to get off your asses come and take a look at…

STAAL: Just hang up, just hang up (CROSBY hangs up the phone) Ooh, DUDE! Gimme the phone, I got a great one! (dials number) It’s ringing…ringing…Hello, is this the residence of Eric Staal?

ERIC STAAL: Uh, yeah, Eric speaking. Why may I ask are you calling?

JORDAN STAAL: I’m from the Pittsburgh Penguins and it seems your brother Jordan just broke his ankle and we were wondering if you’d come in and substitute.

ERIC STAAL:…seriously?

JORDAN STAAL: No way, I’m just FOOLING with ya, man! (hangs up phone and all three laugh hysterically)

FLEURY: I got good one! (takes phone and dials number) Hello, I, uh, (giggles) Sidney Crosby. And if you (giggles) hit self on head with da phone (giggles) I give you a million dollars.

FEMALE ANSWERER: You don’t sound anything like Sidney Crosby!

FLEURY: I have a bad hallergies. (hangs up) She didn’t fall for it. So disappointing.

CROSBY: Wait guys, I got one. (CROSBY takes phone and dials a number. FLEURY’s cell phone rings)

FLEURY: Allo?

STAAL: Sid, you can’t prank call somebody when they’re in the room with you. It just doesn’t work.

CROSBY: Aw, shucks.

Travels with Carlo

The Wonderful World of Loser Domi has been your source of (imaginary) off-ice NHL news. This time I/we bring you news of oft-injured defenceman and legendary superstar of the Toronto Maple Leafs Carlo Colaiacovo as he attempts to make himself less injury-prone .

(SCENE: CARLO COLAIACOVO is sitting in an overstuffed armchair in front of a fire place. The room is very tastefully decorated, much like the opening to “Masterpiece Theatre.” )
COLAIACOVO: Hello there, I’m Carlo Colaiacovo. As some of you Leafs fans may know, I have had a long string of terrible injuries. That’s why I’m going to spend this off-season traveling the world looking for a cure for my…what’s the word…made-of-glass-itude (OLD BRITISH GUY enters)
OLD BRITISH GUY: What the bloody hell are you doing in my house? (COLAIACOVO runs out of chair, jumps out of open window and lands in a dumpster.)
COLAIACOVO: ow…my head…
4 weeks later…
(COLAIACOVO is standing in a secret underground laboratory with IAN WHITE)
COLAIACOVO: Well folks, my head is all OK! My special guest for today is fellow defenseman and legendary superstar of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Ian White!
WHITE: Uh, Carlo…who are you talking to?
COLAIACOVO: Thanks to MLSE’s extensive and often shady connections we were able to secure an exclusive deal with Stark Industries. (We see TONY STARK designing something on a computer screen.)
STARK: (moves away from screen to reveal an Iron Man suit painted to look like a Maple Leafs uniform) Awesome, isn’t it?
WHITE: Wait, so Carlo would be like a mecca Maple Leaf? That’s so cool it’s not even funny! (WHITE starts wandering around in the lab looking at the various items.)
COLAIACOVO: Wouldn’t it be painfully obvious?
STARK: Don’t worry—with a better paint job, people will just think it’s Hal Gill or Zdeno Chara. Although I did have to modify the power source a bit.
COLAIACOVO: So this is running on…?
STARK: Since you don’t have a magnet in your chest, you’ll just have to be really, really drunk. By my calculations, you’ll need a blood alcohol level of…six.
COLAIACOVO: I could handle that.
WHITE: Hey Tony, what’s this thingy do?
STARK: DON’T TOUCH THAT! (WHITE retracts his hand, but in doing so he knocks a glass of scotch onto a computer keyboard. The keyboard shorts out and the sparks ignite some paper, which also got soaked with scotch. A small fire starts)
COLAIACOVO: OH SHIT!
WHITE: Don’t worry—there’s a big bottle of water here!
STARK: DON’T ! That’s-- (WHITE pours contents of bottle onto the fire, which grows to almost the size of a wall) That’s vodka! Who the hell are you?
COLAIACOVO: Well, I’m Sidney Crosby and he’s Jason Spezza. (STARK evacuates via a convenient fire-proof Audi, leaving WHITE and COLAIACOVO behind.)
WHITE: We gotta get outta here!
COLAIACOVO: Ya, congratulations, Captain Obvious. (WHITE and COLAIACOVO manage to just barely escape the collapsing building)
WHITE: Well, as Darkwing Duck would say, “Singed but triumphant”
COLAIACOVO: Ian, for tonight, I’m going to beat you like a red headed step child! (COLAIACOVO punches WHITE in the head.) OW! AH! I think I just broke my hand!

Bryan McCabe's Backyard Barbeque: It's over

TUCKER: Well Domi, you almost had me going with your entrance.
SUNDIN:Almost? You were about ready to wet your pants. You were all “Oh no, the popo! I can’t do another nickel!”
DOMI:That was pretty funny, Tucks. I kinda wish I had a camera. What the—did Pavel Kubina just drug my drink?
SUNDIN: He’s been dropping random pills into everybody’s drinks the whole time. Luckliy mine seems to just be a Flintstones chewable vitamin.
McCABE: Blargh! Gurgle! Snnnnarrch!
STAJAN: MAAAAAAATT STAAAJAAAAAN!
DOMI: What happened to those two? And Welly and Steen?
TUCKER:The got some ex-Soviet bathtub vodka. Except Bryan McCabe isn’t that different.
ANTROPOV: Poni, this is so much fun! Hey Matt, what is your name?
STAJAN: MAAAAAAATT STAAAJAAAAAN
PONIKAROVSKY: Name blond player of Maple Leaf.
STAJAN: MAAAAAAATT STAAAJAAAAAN
ANTROPOV:Name most ugly player of Maple Leafs.
STAJAN: M-NIK ANTROPOV!
PONIKAROVSKY:ahaha, Nik, it blow up in your face! SO funny! (STAJAN passes out)
ANTROPOV: Whatever, let’s just draw stuff on him and throw him over with Welly and Steen. (They do so and leave the party. MAURICE and RAYCROFT return with bags of various munchies)
MAURICE:OK, guys, can you all help me and Rayray settle something? Ummm…Rayray, what was it we were talking about?
RAYCROFT: Can you eat a frozen pizza without heating it up? Cause I just did that on the way here.
DOMI:I think everything on a frozen pizza is all pre-cooked, but eating it just from the freezer sounds grosser than gross.
McCABE: Blargh!
DOMI: And Bryan McCabe agrees.
MAURICE: Rayray…you ate all of the pizzas we had! What are we gonna do now?
RAYCROFT: Whoa…my hands are so big but they can’t stop anything! But I am so small that my hands cannot touch me! (DOMI grabs RAYCROFT’s hands and places them on RAYCROFT’S head.) Mr. Wizard Money-man, you just blew my mind!
MAURICE: Hey, it’s 4:20. You know what that means, right?
RAYCROFT: Yeah, it’s 10 minutes until 4:30 (RAYCROFT and MAURICE leave)
TUCKER: You know Domi, that entrance of yours was a bit disappointing. I figured you’d come in with like six kegs and a bus of Coors Light girls.
DOMI:Coors light? I’d never drink that swill. Whoa—whatever Kubina put in my drink is making me feel…like I love EVERBODY. And I wanna dance, and that flickering bug zapper is totally putting me in a trance. (DOMI stands transfixed by the pulses for a few minutes, then starts dancing to it)
McCABE: Domi rave!
SUNDIN: Hey look, the babyfacers are sort of waking up!
STAJAN:…but you’ll be late for the bus if you don’t get up now
WELLWOOD: I’ll walk, just gimme five more minutes
STEEN: Sweetie, can you get off my elbow?
STAJAN: Ok. (Rolls over) Hey wait a second…who just called me sweetie?
WELLWOOD: Godammit, not again!
STEEN: How do we keep waking up looking like we just had a gay orgy?
TUCKER: I dunno, but I do know that I love camera phones—leafersluts.com is going to be the greatest site ever.
STAJAN: It was…lemme think…Poni and Antro and that stupid bathtub vodka. Let’s get them back!
WELLWOOD: Alex and I wish you the best of luck doing that, Matt.
STAJAN: What the—screw you guys! I’m going home!
STEEN: You’re going home with the phrase “Don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” written on your chest?
WELLWOOD: And two huge cocks drawn on your face?
STAJAN: It’s not as bad as “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard”, ALEX or “ No high sticking” with an arrow pointing down, KYLE!
STEEN: (to WELLWOOD): hehe, they wrote “I love donuts” on your face.
STAJAN: Yeah, that’s it—I’m out of here (leaves, WELLWOOD and STEEN soon follow suit.)
TUCKER: Oh, man, those three were the most fun! All you guys suck and hate having fun! (Police sirens sound.) Whatthe! Domi…Domi…(police cruiser arrives at house with one MALE COP and one FEMALE COP.)
MALE COP: We just got a few noise complaints from the neighbours, so we’d really appreciate it if you could pipe down.
TUCKER: (nervously)Domi, this is part of you joke, right? Like, this guy cop is really Eric Lindros and—and this lady cop is really a stripper, right? RIGHT?! (attempts to grope FEMALE COP)
FEMALE COP: Sir! Remove your hands from my ass immediately! (Sprays TUCKER with mace and struggles to put him into squad car.)
TUCKER: (near panic) DOMI! Where THE HELL ARE YOU!?
SUNDIN: He is…gone. Wow. I never knew Tie Domi could run that fast. He just isn’t built for speed, know what I mean? (FEMALE COP finally succeeds in the car)
FEMALE COP: I gonna go around the back and see if there are any other trouble makers. (leaves)
McCABE: Snurfle goplish gook…
MALE COP: Is that Bryan McCabe on the ground there?
SUNDIN: Yeah, he just got into some bathtub vodka.
TUCKER: MATS! HELP ME OUT, MAN!
SUNDIN: I don’t know that guy. I think he’s a deranged stalker. He only knows me from the television
MALE COP: Well, he’s stalking Bryan McCabe, he has to be pretty deranged. (FEMALECOP returns with MAURICE and RAYCROFT in tow.)
FEMALE COP: I found these two with enough weed, painkillers and Quaaludes to host a Grand Funk Railroad concert.
MAURICE: But can we sit together? We were having a really cool conversation.
MALE COP: We only have the one car, so stick ‘em in. (MAURICE and RAYCROFT enter the squad car without fuss.)
MAURICE (to RAYCROFT):So as you were saying…
RAYCROFT: I was saying, if God made the world, what did God make it of? I mean, I can’t say “Let there be ham sandwich” and there’s a ham sandwich—I have to go get bread and ham and cheese and stuff.
MAURICE: That’s why God is God, and you’re not God. If you can’t make a ham sandwich, how could you make the world?
TUCKER: GAH! GET ME OUT OF HERE!
MAURICE: Tucks, you look a bit stressed out. Here—have a Xanax.
TUCKER: I don’t want a Xanax, I want to NOT GO TO PRISON! I CAN’T DO ANOTHER NICKEL!
SUNDIN: Goddamit, why am I always stuck cleaning up the mess? Well, here is a...charitable contribution to the important work that the police force does (gives five hundred dollars to each cop)
FEMALE COP: You always were a pillar of the community, Mr. Sundin.

*still alive*

Don't worry folks, dail up hasn't killed me yet (although it is annoying me.) There will be new stuff within the next two days, I'm just too lazy to type it up.

Until then, does anyone know if there is such a thing as a Carlo Colaiacovo bobblehead? Becasue that would be awesome. I'd put it next to the Lil Lindros and they could each be fascinated by shiny things.

FYY MAy 9, 2008 AND a special announcement

Howdy ho, folks. Just to let you all know, I'm going home to the States. While I'll be getting to see my family and get a job, it means I am stuck with dial-up internet, so I won't be around as often. I may update once a week at most, and it'll just be stuff like my movie spoofs.

Now, onto the videos!

Clip one: Thanks to Jared of London, I have stumbled upon the greatness that is Red vs Blue. Here is the best of Pvt. Lavernius Tucker, who would probably teach Darcy Tucker a thing or two about awesomeness:


clip two: One of my favourite Simpsons clips, especially after my roommate got a Wii and I started kicking his ass at Wii bowling. My real bowling, however, still sucks:


clip three: I can change (South Park) plus "A Clockwork Orange" = greatness:


SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT!

I'm sure most people reading this have found out about www.hockey-reference.com Well, I couldn't get Tie Domi's page ,however I did get one Leafs player but I just need a caption for it. Leave any suggestions in the comments. Thanks!

The Return of the Revenge of the Bobble Heads, part too?

You guys might remember my little internal debate over buying bobbleheads. Like I said in the comments, the LeCLair one is out of stock, so I would have had to go with Eric Lindros. Except my roomate and I went to the store where I first saw the Li'l Lindros yesterday. Since I'm heading home to the States (and dial up) on Friday, I figured I might as well take the chance I had. I walked out of the store with this little guy in my bag.

The store keeper made it all even funnier. He tried to get me to buy one of the other bobbleheads from Team Canada, like Lemieux and Brodeur, which also happened to be more expensive (convenient, eh?). he guy at the store told me, "you know we also have some really nice Canadiens ones", but I declined I could feel the guy judging me as a poor character, so I justified my purchase by saying, "The Lindros is an inside joke between a friend and I." He replied, "Oh, well, if it's a joke it's OK."

Here is the Lil Lindros, silently judging you:


The accuracy of it is what really impresses me--just like the real thing, Lil Lindros has trouble keeping his head up.

Cock Knockers Incorporated!

(glovetap to The Pensblog for the Photoshop goodness)


Hello, gentle readers. The following is a joint effort by Heather at Wrap Around Curl and I. We were going to put it up sooner to be current, but after Sean Avery was admitted to the hospital, we felt like it was in poor taste to make fun of him. However, since Captain Cock Knocker got released from the hospital, we figure he's open season.


(SCENE: Vogue offices, where a generic BOSS is giving orientation to SEAN AVERY)

BOSS: ...and among your duties will be to make copies—

AVERY:--uh, I don't do copies. I do hot bitches on copiers. Get it right.

BOSS: --and getting coffee, those sorts of things. Do you have any questions?

AVERY:Yeah, when do we get to bang the hot chicks?
BOSS:...excuse me, Sean?

AVERY: You know, the skinny bitches you got on the covers. Don't you have a warehouse full of 'em, like, having pillow fights and snorting coke off each other?

BOSS: I don't know where you are getting your ideas from, Sean, but I can assure you that you are certainly mislead.


(Later, AVERY is chatting up two attractive and young FEMALE INTERNS)

AVERY: How are you two ladies doing? You know, I'm a superstar hockey player for the Rangers.

INTERN 1: What's a hockey?

INTERN 2: Is that the one where they're on horses?

AVERY: it's when my dick is in your mouth!

BOSS:Sean, that's not really appropriate behavior to exhibit.

AVERY:What? I unplugged the security cameras first so there's no evidence of sexual harassment.

BOSS: Just get me some coffee.


(later still)


BOSS:Sean, can you come into my office for a bit? The coffee you got me tastes...odd.

AVERY:Oh, about that—I wanted to make a really good impression, so I just went ahead and Irish'd it up for you.

BOSS:Sean, you are aware that Irish coffee contains more coffee than whiskey, right? You can't just pour alcohol into people's drinks without them consenting.

AVERY:It's not like I roofied it or anything (muttering to self) like I'm going to later.

BOSS: Also, there were...issues with the copies you made for me. Now, by "issues", I really mean the fact that there is a photocopy of what appears to be your penis taking the place of every sixth page. Would you care to explain that?

AVERY:That's just how I roll. Cock Knockers, Incorporated!

BOSS: Also, is that black nail polish on your hands?

AVERY: No, boss, I totally wasn't painting my nails on company time, nosiree. See, I was...product testing! Yeah! See, the left hand has Black Satin from Chanel and the right hand has Maybelline Express Finish Nail Polish in Belging Black.

BOSS: And your assessment of them is...?

AVERY: Hell if I can tell the difference. The Chanel looks a little shimmerier, if that's even a word.

BOSS: Sean, your...idiosyncrasies have really stuck in my craw, and it's only been your first day. However, I--(AVERY delivers an elbow check, knocking BOSS unconscious)

AVERY: Hey, I was just finishing my check, that was totally a clean hit. (Exits office.)

(later, after a hard day of interning, AVERY and a mixed group of OTHER INTERNS wait in line to enter a club)

AVERY: Hey, I know this place! This one time, Marc Staal got stinking shit-faced and puked his guts out right over there. That was an awesome night. (sees random MALE STRANGER.)

MALE STRANGER: Wait a minute, you look familiar...didn't you get kicked out of here a few months back?

AVERY:uhhh...maybe? But girlfrienddddd, where did you get those shoes!?

MALE STRANGER:These shoes cost 300 fucking dollars!

AVERY: Let's get 'em! (Beats up MALE STRANGER, steals his shoes, and runs away)

FYY May 2, 2008

Clip one:News report on Wayne Gretzky doll:


Clip two: some poor schmuck screws up a Lindros jersey:



clip three: In fact, it was a clean hit: