The Birthday Party

If you just imagine that I regularly hang out with some of the Leafs and we’re drinking buddies, this all works. Trust me. 

(SCENE: TOMAS KABERLE, LUKE SCHENN, PHIL KESSEL and DION PHANEUF are waiting outside of a club for LOSER DOMI)
TOMAS KABERLE: I thought LD already had a birthday.
LUKE SCHENN: Nah, that was the blogthday. This is her actual birthday.
PHIL KESSEL: Guys, dontcha think it’s kinda weird that a buncha NHL guys like us would go out with a nobody fan like her?
SCHENN: Now that you mention it…it sounds like some crappy fanfic on the Internet.
DION PHANEUF: Yeah, you’d know all about bad fanfic on the Internet, wouldn’t you, Luke?
SCHENN: Go screw yourself, caveman. (LOSER DOMI arrives)
LOSER DOMI: Hey guys!
LEAFS: HI! Happy Birthday! (etc)
ANGRY MAN IN STREET: Hey Kaberle! WAIVE YOUR FUCKING CLAUSE YOU NO-GOOD SHIT-EATING PIG-FUCKER!
KABERLE: Who the hell was that?
SCHENN: I dunno, some angry Harry Potter look-a-like, I guess.
LD: Actually, that sounds like…nevermind.
KESSEL: Hey, you wanna see a Raptors game? Me and Dion went and we had a wicked good time.
PHANEUF: Yeah we did! Tunes were turned up, yo.
LD: Thanks, but…I’m not that big of a basketball fan.
KESSEL: That’s alright. Hackey’s the top game in this town.
SCHENN: Guys, why are we standing around outside? It’s cold and wet out here. 
PHANEUF: I got it. Stupid door, open! (punches door)
KESSEL: Dude…use doorknobs next time.  (The gang goes into the club and many drinks are had over a period of an hour or so)
KESSEL: (intensely to LD)…so then I run my hands down the shaft and maybe do a little more candy cane action on my stick there…
KABERLE: Phil, you’ve been talking about your stick for 20 minutes.
KESSEL: Quit making fun of my junk!
KABERLE: I wasn’t…you know what? Forget it, I’m getting out of here. It’s a bit too late for me.
ANGRY GUY FROM EARLIER: TALK ABOUT TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE YA WORTHLESS SACK OF SHIT!
SCHENN: Who is that guy?
PHANEUF: And why was he wearing blue pajama pants at 9:30 at night?
KESSEL: You’re turning in already, Kabs?
KABERLE: I’m just…tired all the time. It feels like I’m just going through the motions sometimes. Oh well. (KABERLE leaves)
LD: What’s wrong with him? Tomas always looks so sad and worn out.
PHANEUF: Who the hell knows what’s going on in his head?
WAITRESS: Hey guys, would you like some shots?
SCHENN: What kind of shots are they?
PHANEUF: OH BOY GUYS! Are these the ones with the butterscotch and the whipped cream? Those are AWESOME!
KESSEL: No real man should ever have a drink involving whipped cream.
SCHENN: I’m game to try it.
LD: Sure!
(all 4 have a shot)
KESSEL: Huh…that was pretty good! Are these what people mean when they order blowjobs?
PHANEUF: Hey waitress, more blowjobs!
WAITRESS: Uh…I gave you four buttery nipples.
LD: Whatever! Buttery nipples, blowjobs, buttery blowjobs, it’s all good here!
(several hours later,  PHANEUF, KESSEL, SCHENN, and LD have had many, many shots and it shows. )
KESSEL: WOWIE! Those things are pretty good!
SCHENN: I have four fingers. And this table won’t stop moving on me! Jerk!
PHANEUF: I told ya they were!
LD: Whoa, guys, that’s been an awful lot of buttery nipples. Are we gonna be ok to go home?
KESSEL: Yer always ok to go home with us, LD! (goes to put arm around LD, but slips and falls down.) Owie.
PHANEUF: I jus’ wanna say, I just wanna say…LD, it takes a lot, and I mean a LOT of guts to do what you do. I mean, making fun of huge NHL dudes who could totally snap your twiggy ass in two without breaking a sweat? You gotta have balls to do that….er, sorry, Phil.
KESSEL: Quit making fun of my junk!
SCHENN: Hey Phil, we literally drank you under the table! All literal-like! (laughs)
KESSEL: Shut up! I hate you guys.
PHANEUF: Hey waitress, can we get some more buttery nipples over here?
WAITRESS: I’m sorry…but you guys drank all of the schnapps we had. We can’t make anymore.
SCHENN: Ahhh…it’s ok.
WAITRESS: But, uh, are you guys all set for the night, then? Can we settle the tab?
KESSEL: DO you know who we are?
PHANEUF: We’re kind of a big deal!
WAITRESS: I know who she is, but I don’t know you three guys.
SCHENN: Wait, how do you be a waitress in Toronto and you know her but not 3 members of the Leafs?
LD: I’ll have you know that I am a minor Internet celebrity…actually, wait, I’m lame, never mind. Actually, you know, let's just forget it, pay up, and get out of here. (the four pay up and leave teh bar and are greeted by BEARDED MAN selling roses on a street corner.) 
BEARDED MAN: Roses? Anyone?
LD: No thanks. I'm ok.
KESSEL: Wait a minute...you look familiar...
SCHENN: Are you Rickard Wallin?
BEARDED MAN: Uh...yes. I am Rickard Wallin.
PHANEUF: Then fuck you, Wallin, right in your lazy eye. (WALLIN looks down and starts to cry a bit as LD, PHANEUF, KESSEL and SCHENN continue on their way. THE END)