Carlo Colaiacovo's Amazon Antics

(SCENE: CARLO COLAIACOVO, MATT STAJAN, and ERIC LINDROS are on a canoe on the Amazon.)

COLAIACOVO: Hello, everybody. Once again I am traveling to an exotic location in an effort to find a shaman or…something to remedy my terrible injury curse.
LINDROS: Hey everyone!
STAJAN: Wait, who are you guys talking to? Did I miss something?
COLAIACOVO: This time, I’m in the Amazon rainforest with my good buddies Matt Stajan and Eric Lindros
STAJAN: Amazon? Is this where all the books come from?
LINDROS: No, this is the home of those warrior women who’ll kick our asses, isn’t it?
STAJAN: So…Tonya Harding’s hometown? (a blow dart seems to come out of nowhere and hits LINDROS’s neck)
LINDROS: uhhhh, I don’t feel so—(falls asleep)
COLAIACOVO: What the Hell? (two more blow darts appear and hit COLAIACOVO and STAJAN, who fall asleep immediately. Later, the three awaken curled up together in an isolated “mud hut” type village

LINDROS: (groggy) Why isn’t it over here? I put it here yesterday.
COLAIACOVO: (groggy) Mommy, my head hurts…
STAJAN: (groggy) I won’t miss the bus…(sits up and realizes where he is) Oh God Damn it! Why do I always pass out and then wake up looking like I had a gay orgy?
LINDROS: Wait—orgy? Where?
COLAIACOVO: Guys, I have a bad feeling about this…(What appear to be three nude male TRIBAL LEADERS enter)
STAJAN: Naked people! I knew this was a gay orgy!
LEADER 1: No, you are wrong.
LINDROS: Wow! You sure do speak English good!
COLAIACOVO: You guys aren’t, like, cannibals or anything, are you? ‘Cause you look like every other tribe of cannibals I’ve seen on “Indiana Jones” and stuff like that.
LEADER 2: Oh, don’t be silly! We’re not cannibals (mumbled) all the time. (normal voice) We’re just ex-pat nudists who have formed our own colony here in the beautiful wilderness of the Amazon.
STAJAN: But why did you have to tranquilize us?
LEADER 1: You seemed so lost and, uh, stressed. It was just an herbal relaxing supplement.
LINDROS: Well, it certainly worked. I mean, I am really relaxed right now.
LEADER 2 (whispered to LEADER 3): The blond and the other young guy are too young. I say we take the big dumb guy
LEADER 3: Which big dumb guy?
COLAIACOVO: Well um, could you guys direct us to some sort of civilization? No offense—you have a nice little village here, but uh, we need to get back home.
LEADER 2: We do have a motor boat, but they only hold three people
STAJAN: Well, there’s three of us—that works out perfectly.
LEADER 3: We want them back.
STAJAN: oh, right. Yeah…
LEADER 1: We can send two of you with one of us and then he’ll come back for your third person.
LINDROS: Oh man! This is like that puzzle thingy in school with the boat and a wolf, a chicken and a bag of rice! I could never figure that one out.
COLAIACOVO: OK so, how’s about Matt and I will go with one of you and then we’ll come back. (General agreement all around, STAJAN and COLAIACOVO board a boat with LEADER 3 as LINDROS remains with LEADERS 1 and 2)

LEADER 1: I’ll have to be honest—those blow darts were more than just herbal supplements. They actually had marinade in them as well.
LINDROS: But I thought you weren’t cannibals!
LEADER 2: We’re not cannibals all the time—
LEADER 1: But we are always nudists.
LEADER 2: --you need to very your diet to survive, after all—but we liked the looks of you. The other two were too young for us. But you’ll do nicely as the “guest of honour” for our great feast.

(Later on, with LEADER 3, STAJAN and COLAIACOVO)

COLAIACOVO: I’m so disappointed. I’ve been looking all over for some sort of shaman or a blessing or something and I haven’t found a thing.

STAJAN: Maybe you just need to look harder.
COLAIACOVO: In fact, I’m probably worse off than when I started. I probably have like fourteen different worms in my stomach right now
STAJAN: Or, like, some rare STD that’s a cross breed of herpes and AIDS that just bitch-slaps your dick till it falls off.
COLAIACOVO: And you know something? I don’t know what they injected me with but I’m so relaxed that I don’t even care about that. It could all be true and I just…don’t care.
STAJAN: I know, it’s like it’s all going to come up Stajan no matter what happens.
LEADER 3: Well, this is as far as I can take you. Your friend is not coming.
STAJAN: What? Why?
LEADER 3: He, er, decided to join our colony while the two of you were still unconscious. He said he admired our way of life and that his old way of life was far too stressful.
STAJAN: so, Eric Lindros is now living in a nudist colony in the Amazon? Well, stranger things have happened. Like, Tim McGraw once did a duet with Nelly.
COLAIACOVO: And Tie Domi was once captain of the Leafs. I just wish Eric told us he was leaving first so we could say goodbye.
STAJAN: Well, if he’s happy, I guess that’s the important thing, you know that he found peace and such. That’s really cool.

(Later, STAJAN and COLAIACOVO on a plane ride home)

COLAIACOVO: Well folks, I didn’t find a shaman or anything, but Eric Lindros did find a less stressful life and inner happiness, so I guess it all worked out.
STAJAN: Hey Carlo, do you have a feeling that something should have happened but it didn’t?
COLAIACOVO: What do you mean?
STAJAN: Like something that’s happened before was supposed to happen again, but it didn’t?
COLAIACOVO: Matt, I have no idea what you are talking about.
STAJAN: That’s ok, neither do I.

Why I am a Hockey/Leafs Fan

X-posted over at a very fine Toronto Maple Leafs Blog

Why I am a Leafs Fan

I’ll be honest—sometimes I wonder why I chose to be a fan of the Maple Leafs. I don’t have any personal connections to Toronto or any hockey memories with my family. The only connection I have to hockey at all is that as a little kid, one of my favorite segments of gym class was whenever we did floor hockey. In winter, we did mainly basketball (by “did basketball”, I mean “mainly just skills drills instead of actually playing the game”, one of the reasons I don’t like basketball now.) This went on for what seemed like forever—at least four months straight, except a short gymnastics unit when we were really little. However, for two glorious weeks (only about two weeks since the custodial staff didn’t like cleaning up the scuff marks), we had floor hockey. I was never an athletic kid—never on any teams, always picked last, etc.—but at floor hockey I freaking ruled. Actually, maybe I didn’t—I was a goalie for a while and when I started to realize I sucked at that I became a more…let’s say “enthusiastic” defensive force (basically find the guy with the puck and grind him down, which led to more than one high stick/unnecessary roughness/etc penalty.) Aside from this fact, I have no reason to be interested in hockey at all, much less a Leafs fan.

I remember starting to casually follow the NHL early in high school. At the time I was convinced that I would become an incredibly awesome screenwriter, and one of my stories involved a hockey team. The only problem with writing a hockey movie was that my knowledge of hockey was skeletal at best, so I had to do research. The more I researched, the more interested I became.

I had been a fan of other sports before. When I was really little, among the plethora of jobs I wanted to be when I grew up was an NFL announcer just so I could use the telestrator to draw stuff on the field. While football was interesting, it seemed far too intricate with too many loopy rules. Baseball and basketball seemed too slow and too filled with idiot primadonnas for my tastes. But hockey was accessible to me—the rules seemed less loopy, the players seemed like OK people—so I was drawn in.

In 2003 or 2004, I forget, an extracurricular group I was in had organized a trip up to Montreal to see the Canadiens play the Bruins. I had already gotten bit by the hockey bug, so of course I went. Even though we were way up in the cement nosebleeds, the energy, the excitement, the electricity in the air all enthralled me. Unlike other sports, it seemed like no matter where I looked on the ice or around me there was something interesting to see. Instead of watching fat guys standing around a field, there was something exciting in ever single corner of the ice. It was perfect for someone like me who can get very easily distracted. Guys, I could have been born a Habs fan on that day, despite a 1-0 loss to those smegging Bruins.

And yet I didn’t. I’m not sure why I chose the Leafs over any other team. The only possible influence that I might have had is the fact that I coincidentally share a last name with a former Leaf who didn’t do jack shit for the team. Maybe it was a few too many childhood hits to the head. Maybe I have a thing for losers. Maybe you guys had cookies. I don’t know. What I do know is that I am a Leafs fan and I have had a blast so far being a Leafs fan. As the expression goes, I will stay the course, and I have made my bed and I will lie in it. Judging from some of the great company I have made, at least I won’t be alone.

Cock Knockers, Incorporated: Volume 3

Volume 1
Volume 2

Glove tap to Heather at wraparoundcurl for being co-conspirator in this.

(SECNE: BOSS calls SEAN AVERY into office)
BOSS: Sean, it seems the fine folks over at America’s Next Top Model are really impressed with your work here at Vogue. They want you to play guest “:celebrity” judge on an episode.
AVERY: So instead of making copies and fetching coffee, I’d just be staring at models?
BOSS: That’s what they’re asking.
AVERY: Well, it is hard work being an NHL superstar. I guess I could do it

(SEAN AVERY enters TYRA BANKS’s office)
TYRA BANKS: Hey you, could you get me a vente vanilla chai latte?
AVERY:Uh…excuse me?
BANKS: Well come on, grunt, the coffee won’t fetch itself!
AVERY: All right, listen bitch—I am Sean Mutha fuckin’ Avery. I’m a goddamn celebrity judge…thingy here
BANKS: Oh Sean, I’m so sorry—I didn’t recognize you. We were going to have Lauren Conrad do what you’ll be doing, but she had to stay home due to a “terrible outbreak of clap.” I asked her if she knew anybody else who could fill her place and your name came up. She says that during your LA days, you two were shopping buddies, plus she knows you from her brief stint as a hockey blogger.
AVERY: So…what is it I’m doing?
BANKS: Lauren said that when playing hockey you’re a good, uh, “instigator.” Now, what does that mean?
AVERY: Basically I try to get into people’s faces, stir them up, and antagonize them with pie—you know, that kinda stuff.
BANKS: You’ll be perfect as our “media correspondent.” After the producers narrow down the pool of girls five of six, we send them to an exotic location where they meet the media correspondent. The correspondent interviews the girls and makes them all insecure. Like insulting them and making them feel humiliated to see how well they can handle the "industry."
AVERY: So…I get to gawk at models and then insult them? Holy shitstick, that’s awesome. Actually, I have a suggestion—why not take the girls to Dallas as their “exotic location.” It’d totally shake them up, you know, get them used to the hectic lifestyle of modeling.
BANKS: Actually…I like that! Mess with their heads. Plus you know what they say, “everything’s bigger in Texas!” In fact, that’s such a great idea, I’ll give you one of my best beauty secrets—a jar of VASELINE!
AVERY: Thanks! I could use this to jack off to you tonight.
BANKS: What was that?
AVERY: A compliment.

(footage of five models—OKSANA, ANGELA, RAEVYN, JONELLE, and DENISE traveling to Dallas.)
OKSANA: (voiceover) It’s so exciting, you know, I started as a little girl who moved to America all the way from Ukraine and now I’m in the final five!
ANGELA: (voiceover) You know, I was excited when I found out I made it to the final five and got to some exotic location, but, Dallas? Seriously? I’m from here, I wanted to model so I could get out of Texas.
RAEVYNNE: (voiceover) I’m glad I got in the top five because that means there are only four stops between me and the title. I AM the next top model, bitches.
JONELLE: (voiceover) Eeeeeeeee! I’m so stoked I got here!
DENISE: (voiceover) It’s great being here ‘cause it’s, more down to the wire now, and, like, we’re the only five girls left, like, there aren’t any other girls.

(footage of AVERY with headphones on, listening to his “angry” music, and staring at a picture of Darcy Tucker)
AVERY (voice over): Well, I just gotta get prepared, you know, get in the right instigating mind set, remember the back info and stuff. I really have to prepare now since, after all, I am trying to find America’s next top cock knocker. I mean, it’s a big thing for me and these models. (actually spoken) Your momma is so nasty, her snatch is a class 3 wetland!

(SCENE: the next day, AVERY interviews the models individually, starting with OKSANA)

OKSANA: (happily)Hi, I’m Oksana
AVERY: Oksana, now that’s a beautiful name—unlike your face
OKSANA: (stunned) Wha—excuse me?
AVERY: Yeah, you don’t seem to have much natural talent for this job, but don’t worry—McDonald’s is always hiring
OKSANA: You’re just some goon. What would you know?
AVERY: : I know that top makes you look like a cow—big saggy tits, shortens the torso, your pedant looks like a bell—I should call in Ol’ Farmer Brown and tell him it’s milking time!
OKSANA: (Angrily) you now what? I’m out of here (Storms off)
AVERY: Remember, in Soviet Russia, cock knocks YOU!!

(ANGELA enters)
ANGELA: Hi, I’m Angela
AVERY: (friendly) Hello! Oh!—I have a message for you. José say she had a bit of a setback but the smack should still come in on time,
ANGELA: Wait, what?
AVERY: Oh nothing. No, would you address the rumors that your mother is so black, when she goes to night school teacher marks her absent?
ANGELA: That’s it, Imma cut you (removes switchblade from blouse and slashes at AVERY)
AVERY: Oh no! My short pants! (security comes in and hauls off ANGELA)

(JONELLE enters)
JONELLE: (bubbly) Hi are you the media guy?
AVERY: Indeed I am! You would be (looks at notes) Jonelle, right?
JONELLE: (hums Happy Birthday) Yes I am!
AVERY: oh, this’ll be fun. Jonelle, could you tell me why Communism fell In the Soviet Union?
JONELLE: Well, um, the Communists fell because they were not looking where they were walking and therefore they fell. (voiceover as they talk) You know, I didn’t really understand his questions and what they had to do with modeling and stuff, but I anserwed them anyway.
AVERY: So…you’re saying that if the Jews and the Muslims could just come together and worship Jesus, they’d stop fighting? OK, uh, nice unibrow you have
JONELLE: unibrow?
AVERY: Yeah, at one point I thought it was a caterpillar or something but it didn’t move. It probably came out of that huge nose of yours. If you’re not careful, it’ll crawl in and set up a cocoon or something (JONELLE runs off crying)

(DENISE enters)
AVERY: Ok, uh, how old are you?
DENISE: I’m 25.
AVERY: Get out of here, grandma! You and your saggy tits should go watch some “Matlock” reruns! (DENISE runs away crying)

RAEVYNNE: (voiceover) What most people don’t know is I’m a big hockey fan, so as soon as I saw the media guy was Sean Avery, I knew I had to step up my game.
AVERY: So, hi…what are you doing tonight?
RAEVYNNE: Your mom and your sister at the same time, dick snuggler.
AVERY: Oh, so you’re into threesome. I like that kind of thinkingRAEVYNNE: Yeah, whatever—to you a threesome is probably when you use both hands. Spooge suckers like you make me wish I could eat myself out so I wouldn’t have to bother. (TYRA BANKS enters)
BANKS: Sean, I think you might be a little too effective as media correspondent. Three of the girls have quit and one is currently in custody for assault with a deadly weapon.
RAEVYNNE: So wait, does that mean I won?
BANKS: (exasperated sigh) you have a terrible attitude and the industry will eat you alive, but by default, you win.
RAEVYNNE: Sweet! Default, motherfuckers!
AVERY: Yeah, you wanna go out and celebrate?
RAEVYNNE: Not with you cock knocker. You should feel honored to have the privilege to jack off to me tonight.
AVERY (voiceover): After meeting Raevynne, a female me, I’m just stunned. I kinda need some time to reflect, you know, play some Grand Theft Auto or something.

Music Men at ACC

It’s odd—for some reason my computer doesn’t seem to like me commenting on certain people’s blogs. As a result, I can’t really respond to those people.

This post is my response to MF37’s post over at Bitter Leaf Fan about music choices at the ACC. Granted, I’ve never been there, but MF37 mentioned the possibility of players picking songs for whenever they score. Here are my guesses as to what they would pick:

Nik Antropov: Nik would support fellow Kazakh Corky Buchek with his song “Bing Bang”. I’m pretty sure the only way to get that song out your head is a full frontal lobotomy.

Matt Stajan: Probably “P.I.M.P” by 50 Cent (except replace “mother-fuckin” with “sock-kicking”). After all, nothing says “hard core gansta” quite like a blond hockey player from Mississauga, Ontario. The only problem is that if his girlfriend ever gets mad at him, she’ll probably sneak in and change it to “Naughty Girl” by Beyoncé.

Alex Steen: “Nerve Gonna Give You Up”, Rick Astley—“Cause, dude, it’d be, like, Rickrolling, like 20,000 people at the same time! Dude, it’d be epic!”

Jason Blake: “I Wanna be Sedated”, The Ramones—see title.

Carlo Colaiacovo: “Heart of Glass”, Blondie—give me a break, guys, I had to have at least one really cheap joke in here.

Tomas Kaberle: Kabs is a hard read for this kind of stuff. The more imaginative side of me theorizes that his fear of shooting comes from his childhood when he maimed and/or killed someone with his powerful shot (that’s why he works so hard on accuracy.) Therefore, my pick for Tomas is “Safety Dance” by Men Without Hats.

That’s what I got. If you have any suggestions, go onto the comments!

Dirty Confessions of a Toronto Maple Leafs blog

I’m not really a hockey blog. Sure, I write posts that involve hockey, but since most of what I do has become fiction, it’s not really about hockey. Saying that the Wonderful World of Loser Domi is a hockey blog is kind of like saying that a television show set in New York City is about New York City. The city may add a particular flavour to the show, but in many cases the show could be in another location and it’s still almost the same show. Most of what I do could very easily be about football players or a baseball team. The only reason I don’t do that is because hockey is much more interesting to me than any other sport.

To be totally honest, most of what I do (especially now in the off season) boils down to Maple Leaf fanfiction. Seriously. I think it was Chemmy who referred to the “Leafer Madness series as “Toronto Maple Leafs slasher fanfic.” However, I figure there are ways that even this blog could be worse:

1: it could be erotic fanfic

2: it could be erotic Maple Leaf fanfic about the more “fringe” fetishes, like Bryan McCabe and Pavel Kubina are secretly gay Furries who engage in scat play

3: I could write fanfiction about other bloggers

4: I could write myself into the story as some deadly handsome 60 goal scoring hotshot with hazy mahogany eyes and a sexy foreign accent

5: I could have nothing but funny pictures of cats with poorly spelled captions—oh wait, I already do that

The sad part is that these five reasons were the only ways I could think that my blog could be worse. Feel free to leave any additional ways in the comments, and please, be creative!