Fake Interviews with Real People: Tomas Kaberle Raps

I heard "Natalie Raps" and I was surprised at how well the lyrical genius applies to the Leafs resident gentle Czech.

Here's the original (language VERY NSFW, which also goes for the parody below it.)


LOSER DOMI: I’m here with Maple Leafs defenceman Tomas Kaberle. So Tomas, what’s a day in the life of Tomas Kaberle like?
TOMAS KABERLE: Do you really want to know?
LD: Please, tell us.
KABERLE:

I don’t sleep, motherfucker, Red Bull and bourbon

Doin’ one twenty gettin’ head when I’m swerving

Damn Kaberle, you’re a crazy Czech

Yo, shut the fuck up and suck my dick.

I duck shots, ain’t nobody duckin’ harder

Roll up on the Flyers smack the shit outta Jeff Carter.

FRANCOIS BEAUCHEMIN: What you want, Kaberle?

KABERLE: To drink and fight!

BEAUCHEMIN: What you need, Kaberle?

KABERLE: TO FUCK ALL NIGHT!

Don’t screw with me when I’m on scrapbooking glue

I’ll shove my foot in your throat till your shit’s on my shoe

Leave you screaming, pay for my dry cleaning

fuck your man It’s my name that he’s screamin’

LD: I’m sorry Kaberle, but are we to believe you condone driving while intoxicated?
KABERLE: I never said I was a role model.
LD: What about all the community service? And the kids that look up to you?

KABERLE: All the kids lookin’ up to me can suck my dick

It’s Kabbie mother fucker drink till I’m sick

Slit your throat and poor nitrous down the hole

Watch you laugh and cry while I laugh you die

And all the chicks you know I’m talkin to you

ICE GIRLS: We love you Kabbie!

KABERLE: I wanna fuck you too! K is for Kabbie K is for Kock. I’ll kill your fuckin dog for fun so don’t push me!

LD: Well, Tomas I’m surprised. All this from a Leaf with extensive charity work and someone so respected in his native Czech Republic.
KABERLE: Well there’s a lot you may not know about me.
LD: Really? Such as?

KABERLE: When I was in Czech Leagues, I smoked weed every day

I punched a lot of hookers and snorted all the yay

I gotta a def posse and you gotta buncha dudes

I sit down on your face and take a shit

BEAUCHEMIN: Kaberle you are a bad ass Czech (hell yeah!) and I always pay for your dry cleanin when my shit gets in your shoe. And as for the drug use, well I can vouch for that

my soul is scared of you, Kabs

LD: One last question…if you could have dinner with any famous hockey figure, who would it be? (KABERLE throws chair at LD)
Kaberle: No more questions What!