Blue and White Christmas: Final Act

PART 3
(At the cabin, all of the Leafs, including the coaching staff, have arrived and they are all making merry and having a generally good time)
COLTON ORR: Hey guys, you wanna hear a song I just wrote?
TYLER BOZAK: Sure!
DION PHANEUF: Whatever.
KESSEL: I like turtles.

ORR: 

You better watch out, you better not cry

You better not pout I’m telling you why

Colton Orr is coming to town

He sees you when you’re icing, he knows when you put on skates,

He’ll rearrange your face for good, so Matt Carkner don’t give me a blood borne disease.

So fuck all the Sens, and fuck all the Hab

And Lucic, man, you’re just plain sad,

Colton Orr is coming! To! TOWNNNNNN!

PHANEUF: That was beautiful.
CUTHBERT: I don’t think we’re supposed to say fuck on TV.
RON WILSON: Ah, screw it. It’s not like anyone’s actually watching this garbage anyway.
TIM BRENT: But Coach Wilson, shouldn’t we be talking about the REAL meaning of the season?
BOZAK: What are you going on about?
BRENT: Well…And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night. And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them: and they were sore afraid. And the angel said unto them, Fear not: for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you; Ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.
WILSON: NOBODY GIVES A SHIT, CHARLIE BROWN!
BRENT (dejectedly):…But that was Linus’s big speech…
KABERLE: This is much nice party, Dion, but I have a strong feeling as though there is something…missing.
PHANEUF: What do you mean?
KABERLE: Well, in other Leafs seasons, there was…something else that happened during holiday seasons. I cannot quite remember it…
(there is a knock at the door)
PHANEUF: Hey, Lebda, do something useful with your life—get the door. Or get me another beer. You know, whatever.
(BRETT LEBDA opens the door. It’s a strangely familiar man in a ski mask who is carrying a toy cat)
MASKED MAN: BRRRRR! It’s cold and windy out there!
BRETT LEBDA: Who the Hell are you?
MASKED MAN: Oh, sorry, I had the mask on since it was so cold outside. (Takes off mask. The MASKED MAN turns out to be LEE STEMPNIAK)
LEBDA: Holy shit, it’s the guy from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia! I’m a big fan.
LEE STEMPNIAK: Yes, Brett. And Buttons and I have a special gift for everyone here. (STEMPNIAK takes out a gun and shoots LEBDA in the face, and then leaves.)
CUTHBERT: Did that guy just shoot Lebda in the face? Do we need an ambulance?
KABERLE: NOW I know what this party was missing! Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year, Leafs fans!


FIN

Friday Youtube yoinkage December 24, 2010

I'm taking a break from the Christmas special to bring back what may be a much loved WWoLD feature: the Yoinkage! This week, I've found the Leafs wishing you the happiest of holidays in creative ways. 

In clip one, Dion Phaneuf sings a special, UNCENSORED version the holiday classic "Piano Man." Merry Fucking Christmas, indeed!

In clip two, Phil Kessel talks about how much he likes candy canes...on his stick. Yeesh, there is no way to make that sound snark-free.


In clip three, the Leafs give back with their annual Have a Heart dinner. Giving back is important year-round, but most people think about volunteering and charity during the holidays. Highlights include watching Francois Beauchemin and Kris Versteeg tending bar, Mikhail Grabovski, and Brian Burke talking smack about entrees.

Blue and White Christmas: Blue and White Holidays around the World

(Still in the “cabin”, there is another knock at the door. It’s NAZEM KADRI, TOMAS KABERLE, MIKE BROWN, and MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI)
DION PHANUEF (visibly drunk): The hell do you want?
TOMAS KABERLE: Dion, it is multiple other Leafs.
NAZEM KADRI: We have booze!
MIKHAIL  GRABOVSKI: AND COOKIES!
PHIL KESSEL:  Elisha, I like your sweater…
ELISHA CUTHBERT: We should let them in.
PHANEUF: Guys, let yourselves in. I’m too drunk and warm to move. (The guys outside enter.) 
BROWN: Man, this is one sweet-ass fake cabin!
CUTHBERT: Guys, stop saying the cabin’s fake! (pauses) You know what? I don’t give a shit anymore. Kid Kadri, you shouldn’t even be having this stuff anyway (swipes rather large bottle of whiskey from KADRI and takes several gulps.)
KESSEL:  Elisha, are you sure that’s a good idea?
CUTHBERT: I’ll drink all of you puss balls under the table!
PHANEUF: Uh…well then. There has to be a way to make this less weird. How’s about we talk to some of the other Leafs about non Christmas holiday stuff so we don’t look all racist and shit? That sounds good? Grabbo, you go first.
GRABOVSKI: In Belarus, we makings things of straw. Is like straw where Baby Jesus born. 
PHANEUF:  Kabbie, what about you?  What do they do in Czech land?
KABERLE: In Czech Republic, we have many apples and pears as decorations. And if you fast all day Christmas Eve, you see a golden piglet. 
PHANEUF:  That’s kinda cool. Weird, but cool. What about you, Kadri? Since you’re Muslim, you guys do Ramadan, right?
KADRI: Well, yes Ramadan is a religious holiday, but—
PHANEUF:  Yeah, it’s kinda like a Muslim Hanukkah, isn’t it?
KADRI:...
PHANEUF:  What?
KADRI: You’re fucking kidding me.
BROWN: And me.
PHANEUF:  Ah, shit…
KADRI: It was in AUGUST, you JACKASS.
BROWN: Man, fuck this. You wanna go grab a sandwich or something?
KADRI: As long as it’s not a BLT! (canned laughter. BROWN and KADRI highfive and leave)
PHANEUF:  Well folks, that was, uh…
CUTHBERT: (after several more gulps of whiskey) WHO WANTS TO PLAY TWISTER?
TYLER BOZAK: ME! ME!
GRABOVSKI: I LIKES TWISTERS!
KESSEL:  Oh! Let’s make it STRIP Twister!
PHANEUF:  Any of you touch my girl, and I’ll break your friggin’ faces!

Blue And White Christmas: Gift of the Schenn Guys

(SCENE: Still at the “cabin”, DION PHANUEF is stuffing his face with cookies and booze.)
ELISHA CUTHBERT: Welcome back from those words from our sponsors!
DION PHANUEF:  Mmmph.
(There is a knock at the door)
CUTHBERT: Who could that be?
PHANEUF: What the hell do you want?
(CUTHBERT gets off the couch and opens the door. It’s LUKE SCHENN, PHIL KESSEL, and TYLER BOZAK.)
CUTHBERT: Hey guys! I’m so glad that you could make it all the way to our cabin!
LUKE SCHENN: Well, it’s not that hard to find this sound stage, Elisha.
TYLER BOZAK: Maybe we shouldn’t point out how all of this is fake, Luke.
PHIL KESSEL: Hi, Elisha…Is that one of those video fireplaces? Those things are so cool.
BOZAK: Yeah they are! I so wish I was the guy who thought of making a DVD by pointing my camera at a fireplace. That guy was GENIUS to get people to pay 10 bucks for a video fire.
SCHENN: I know, right? That’s retirement money right there.
KESSEL: DION! How you doin’, man?
PHANEUF: Awesome! Here, have some eggnog and cookies!
KESSEL: Kickass!
CUTHBERT:  This is so cool! I’m sure you guys have some great holiday stories to share. (Everyone has an awkward moment of silence where they’re staring at each other.) I said…(clears throat) I’m sure you have some great stories—
SCHENN: Uh, yeah! I do!
(Present “flashback” transition effects to LUKE SCHENN as an 11 year old getting ready for school back in Saskatchewan.)

SCHENN (In voiceover): I think it was the Christmas when I was about 11. My brother Brayden and I were excited to be getting ready for Christmas. 

LUKE: Mom! Where’s my hat and mittens? 

MAMA SCHENN: It should be in the hall next to your boots. 

BRAYDEN: LUKE! Do you have my lace tightener? 

LUKE: NO! Why would I have your stupid lace tightener? 

BRAYDEN: You do, too have it! 

LUKE: No I don’t, you stupid face! 

BRAYDEN: I’m not a stupid face! 

LUKE: At least I can spell my name right! 

MAMA SCHENN: Boys! You have to get ready for school or you will miss the bus! 

(LUKE and BRAYDEN leave the house and get on the school bus.)

BRAYDEN: It’s only 2 more weeks til Christmas! Did you make your list for Santa yet?

LUKE:  Not yet. All I really want is some new laces, some blade tape, and a binder for my hockey cards. 

BRAYDEN: Yeah, that envelope isn’t really working anymore. It’s kinda full. 

LUKE: What about you, Brayden?

BRAYDEN: I want  Final Fantasy 8! 

LUKE: Wow! You think Santa will bring it?

(Another young boy, KRIS, sitting behind LUKE and BRAYDEN turns around)

KRIS: You two twerps still think “Santa” will bring you Christmas presents? 

LUKE: We’re not twerps! 

BRAYDEN: Yeah, we’re not! 

KRIS: Wanna make something of it? 

LUKE: Uh-huh! (LUKE jumps over the seat and punches KRIS)

KRIS: AHH! My face! You erased my face! 

SCHENN (in voiceover): I was so worried about there not being a Santa. Plus, that fight probably didn’t help me get on the good list, anyway. So, I figured I had to work hard to get Brayden Final Fantasy 8 just in case Santa didn’t deliver. (Start montage of LUKE doing chores for extra money)  I did dishes, shoveled the driveway, and did all of these extra chores to buy the game. But I still couldn’t get enough money. So, after thinking long and hard, I sold all of my hockey cards to the card shop. Anyway, Christmas day came and…

(SCENE: Christmas morning at the Schenns. The whole family is opening gifts. )

MAMA SCHENN:  Ok Luke, your turn now. (LUKE opens a gift It’s a binder, complete with sleeve sheets, for hockey cards.) 

LUKE: (excited) WOW!  A binder for cards! (a bit saddened) Too bad I sold all of my hockey cards. 

MAMA SCHENN: Luke…you loved those cards. Why did you sell them?

LUKE: I wanted to buy Brayden…this. (Takes out a wrapped gift from behind the tree and gives it to BRAYDEN) Unwrap it, Brayden! (BRAYDEN unwraps the gift. It’s Final Fantasy 8.) 

BRAYDEN (excited): Wow! Final Fantasy 8! That’s so cool! You really sold you hockey cards for it? 

LUKE: Yeah. I did all of these chores and stuff for it, too, but I didn’t have enough money. So I had to sell my cards to buy the game for you. Merry Christmas!

BRAYDEN: Wow! Thanks, Luke! Do you like your hockey binder?

LUKE: Yeah! Now I just need some cards to put in it (nervous chuckle.) 

BRAYDEN: I’m happy you like the binder, Luke.  Because…I stole it. 

(SCENE: Back at the present day cabin)
CUTHBERT: That was such a great story until the very end, Luke.
BOZAK: Yeah, you worked your ass off and got bupkiss. AND your brother’s a thief!
SCHENN: Nah, it’s cool. I kicked his ass for stealing later that day. When the store was open again, I dragged him back there to apologize. Brayden never stole anything ever again.
PHANEUF: Cool story, Luke.
KESSEL: Holy crap, these cookies and milky booze are AWESOME.
SCHENN: I want some!
PHANEUF: Luke, can you drink here?
BOZAK: He’s Luke Schenn in Toronto. Do you think anyone gives a shit?

Blue and White Christmas: part one

(SCENE: Inside of what looks like a cabin that’s out in snow covered woods. ELISHA CUTHBERT and DION PHANEUF are inside of what looks like a festively decorated living room, complete with comfy couch, large decorated Christmas tree, and “fire” place)


ELISHA CUTHBERT: Hey everyone! Welcome to the Toronto Maple Leafs Annual Christmas Special!
DION PHANEUF: Elisha…who are you talking to?
CUTHBERT: I’m talking to the audience.
PHANEUF: But there’s no audience. It’s all black and dark out there.
CUTHBERT:  Well, Dion, it’s the audience at home.
PHANEUF: This isn’t even a real cabin. That fire’s fake—it’s just this video screen thing.
 CUTHBERT: Stop negating the premise!
PHANEUF: But what the hell are we doing here?
CUTHBERT: Don’t you remember that we agreed to do this Christmas special? We’d have skits and music and stuff like that?
PHANEUF:  Babe, you know I agree to all sorts of shit when I’m on a lot of painkillers. I don’t remember jack from the past two months.
CUTHBERT: Well, here we are filming…
PHANEUF: OK, fine. I just got one question.
CUTHBERT: Yeah?
PHANEUF: Is there eggnog?
CUTHBERT: Yeah. There’s, like, a shitload of it out back.
PHANEUF: AWESOME. Maybe this won’t suck so much after all.
CUTHBERT: Well folks, we hope you like our holiday special!
PHANEUF: We have booze and cookies! And it'll be , like all swanky and stuff.

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