Friday, June 26, 2009

Year End Leafer Awards, FINAL CHAPTER

(NOTE: because I strained my right hand stacking hay, I can't really do any formatting to make this look nice, and typing left handed sucks. Sorry)
part 1
part 2
part 3

WILSON: My God, that’s Hollweg’s music! (a car pulls up and parks with RYAN HOLLWEG and JUSTINPOGGE inside. They get out)
HOLLWEG: Yo Pogge, you gotta do my welcome speech.
POGGE: Do I have to do the speech?
HOLLWEG: uh, YES. That was the bet!
POGGE: But why do I have to keep doing it?
HOLLWEG: Cuz I’m not the dumbass who thought the Lakers were going to win the Superowl, now am I?
POGGE: (sighs) FINE. A-hem, Ladies and gentlemen, prepare yourselves for a brush with greatness! He is a legendamong mere mortal men, leaving s trail of wonder, awe, and very satistifed women in his wake. He is better than meat everything, including dancing, arts and crafts, lovemaking, and the guitar. I have no friends, and will never knowthe touch of a woman. I present to you all, the proud owner of a 13 inch penis, Ryan Hollweg!
HOLLWEG: Good job, Pogge. I knew I kept you around for some reason.
POGGE: I just wish I wouldn’t lose so many bets to you.
HOLLWEG: I can’t help it if you lose so much. I try to keep you on the right path, but no, you just have to keep falling off it.
POGGE: You try to keep me on the right path? Oh bull! I bet you 20 bucks that I won’t gamble for the rest of the day.
HOLLWEG: 20 bucks, huh? You’re on.
POGGE: All right!
HOLLWEG: Well, pay up then.
POGGE: Pay? What...(figureing it out) Oh, you assclown!
HOLLWEG: Do you want to make that double or nothing?
POGGE: Oh, hell’s yes!
HOLLWEG: Well then, where’s my money?
POGGE: But I...see, the thing douche monkey! (pays HOLLWEG the money)
WILSON: Well, Ryan and Justin, I certainly didn’t expect to see you guys here.
HOLLWEG: It’s a Leafs Barbeque, isn’t it?
POGGE: Yeah, so where are our beer, broads and burgers?
WHITE: Oh, Hollweg didn’t herd in the women with his 13 inch penis? That wasn’t very nice of him.
WILSON: But you two are part of the Mariles now, not the Leafs...
HOLLWEG: We played for the Leafs a few times!
POGGE: Isn’t that enough?
WILSON: You know...I think there’s an information session thing over at (mumble) West Street for those who wantto play in the KHL. I think you two could kick ass and take names over there. WHITE : Yeah, and uh... the women are real crazy in bed over there. You’d love it.
MITCHELL: Yeah! Grabbo’s always telling us abut all the crazy stuff they do. Right, Grabbo? (GRABOVSKI saysnothing while clutching his prizes and creepily staring at people, like he has been all afternoon) ...right. WILSON: I think that presentation is starting soon, so you should head over RIGHT NOW.
HOLLWEG: Mumble West? Got it! C’mon, Pogge, let’s score us some crazy hot Russian bitches! (HOLLWEG andPOGGE leave)
STAJAN: Phew, that was close.
MITCHELL: I dunnp which is worse--Pogge marinating in AXE or Hollweg smelling like...Hollweg.
WHITE: Did they kill any of your grass?
WILSON: No, but I think it’s wilted a bit.--CUJO! What the hell? Get Jeff Finger out of my petunias!
JOSEPH: Sorry coach Wilson. (Knocks FINGER unconscious) HE won’t crawl in there and puke again.
BLAKE: I found duct tape! Should we tape him and Kabbie to this tree?
JOSEPH: Good idea! ( JOSEPH, BLAKE and KUBINA duct tape KABERLE and FINGER to the tree. KUBINA finds a Sharpie and draws a Freddie Mercury-style mustche on KABERLE)BLAKE: Heh. Great idea guys. Kubie, how’s yuor sandwich and bum wine?KUBINA:It is good ham sandwich. The drink makes my mouth feel all tingly and numb.
KABERLE: ( drunk Czech/English hybrid babble)
KUBINA: Shhhh, Tomas. You go sleep now.
KABERLE: I love you, muffin!
KUBINA: ...yeah, me too. (JOSEPH, BLAKE and KUBINA leave KABERLE and FINGER taped to the tree.)
BLAKE:What was that all about?
KUBINA: (defensively) What? I like muffins, too! There’s nothing wrong with two guys who like muffins!
BLAKE:I never said there was anytrhing wrong with it! (PONIKARVOVSKY arrives) Poni!PONIKAROVSKY: I’s so sorry guys. First, I got a call there was a lanky Kazakh in Boreger King orderingcheesebourgers for kitties, so I ran there hoping Antro came back. But... it was just some crazy homeless man.
KUBINA: You still miss Nik?
PONIKAROVSKY: Soo much! Grabovski’s ok, but too crazy. And Kulemin just stares at me with open mouth, likegoldfish. But then, after Boreger King, I found I had bad directions to this house. They took me to garbage dumpplace!
WILSON: Weird. Maybe whoever gave you directions didn’t know where my house is.
PONIKAROVSKY: But Coach RonWilson, YOU gave me the directions!
WILSON: Well Alexei, it’s time I was honest. You see, I just don’t like you.
PONIKAROVSKY: But why, Coach RonWilson? I work hard at practice, talk to newspaper people, keep Grabovskifrom killing people. I’s great guy!
WILSON: OK you guys! The old lady is giving me “that look” so you all have to get the hell off my lawn! Get outtahere!
STAJAN: (mockingly) Or what? You’re gonna call Officer Peters to tase my ass again?
WILSON: Don’t get smart with me! Just because you’re man pretty doesn’t mean you can stay here!
KUBINA: Hey guys, we should go in search of fried chicken and large breasted strippers!
BLAKE: I don’t think my wife wouldapprove of that.
KUBINA: Medium breasted strippers?JOSEPH: It sounds good enough for me. Let’s go! (TEAM leaves, except for FINGER and KABERLE)
WILSON: Finger and Kaberle, eh? I hope you boys like playing in Tampa.


bkblades said...

Yay, you're alive! Sorry about your formatting problems, since you busted whatever hand you write with...hope you got that reference, or else I come as an insensitive jerk.

Loser Domi said...

i am alive, just lazy. And don't worry Super Nintendo Chalmers, i got the reference.

Leafer1984 said...

Great final chapter!!
Also, stacking hay eh... riiiiight ;)


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