CLARK: Tell me Tomas, you ever feel worried for the future of the Leafs? Are you ever worried about who will lead them if you’re not there?
KABERLE: I’m sure the leafs will find someone competent to be captain
CLARK: Did you know that three months after you died, Hollweg got the Captain’s C?
KABERLE: Hollweg? No….
CLARK: yes. It kinda blindsided everyone
KABERLE:No! It can’t happen! I can’t die! I have to stop Ryan Hollweg from becoming captain! Wendel—thank you, for showing me—
CLARK: Don’t mention it. But since you almost went through with a suicide by Wendel, I am gonna hafta punch out at least half of your blood. But I’ll leave some towels, and some juice and cookies—like when you donate blood—to make you feel better.
KABERLE: I suppose that is the best I could hope for. It seems a fair compromise (CLARK proceeds to punch out precisely half of KABERLE ‘s blood. KABERLE wakes up half a day later in his kitchen.)
KABERLE: (groggy) uhhhh God I feel terrible...but Wendel did leave me a bunch if towels on the floor and both a carton of orange juice and a bag of Oreos on the counter. He may be an unstoppable killing machine but at least he’s a man of his word. Wait a minute... I can feel pain again! I’M ALIVE! (Stands up) I’m ALIVE and...dizzy as hell, but still alive. I better take the juice and cookies with me (grabs juice and cookies) I have to tell people I’m still alive! (KABERLE runs out the door while periodically drinking form the juice bottle and eating cookies)
KABERLE: I’m still alive! Go Leafs go! GO LEAFS GO! (runs into light post)
BYSTANDER: You ok? You hit that light post pretty hard
KABERLE: (shakes head) I think that undid the Janssen hit! I can cross check without fear now!(checks BYSTANDER to the ground) GO LEAFS GO! (KABERLE continues as such until he reaches the practice rink, where the team has just finished training for the day)
STAJAN: Oh good, Kabby, you are ok. We tried calling and didn’t get any answers.
KABERLE: Oh Matt, you aren’t drunk are you?
STAJAN: No...why would I be drunk? I never drink before noon—
KABERLE: Oh thank GOD! And Lee, Lee Stempniak, nobody shot you in the face!
STEMPNIAK: Uh, no, last time I checked my face was still whole
(HOLLWEG enters talking to MITCHELL)
HOLLWEG: so then I say to her ‘Babe , the way things are going in the Leafs, I could be the next captain of the Leafs’
KABERLE :(To Stajan) Here, hold these (hands over cookies and juice) (to HOLLWEG) You’ll be captain over my dead body (KABERLE ninja kicks HOLLWEG in the face, knocking him unconscious)
STAJAN: Wow Kabs, that was kick ass!
STEMPNIAK: More like kick face!
MITCHELL: that was probably the awesomest thing I have ever seen you do...ever