Halloween Beer Run of Horror, part 2

Part one is here.  

(SCENE: DION PHANUEF, PHIL KESSEL, TYLER BOZAK and ELISHA CUTHBERT are all roaming Toronto on the way to the Beer Store.)

PHIL KESSEL: Wow! Look at all these ladies out here! They look so HOT!

TYLER BOZAK: They look kinda cold to me. Most of them don't seem to be wearing much for clothes.

ELISHA CUTHBERT: Maybe you two could go help them warm up...

DION PHANUEF: But Elisha, what would we be doing if Phil and Tyler left?

CUTHBERT: I think I have a few ideas about what we could do...(winks suggestively)

PHANEUF: But we can't do that. I need more than just you and me to carry all of this beer. (MIKE KOMISAREK, dressed as Lady Gaga, exit a bar near where KESSEL, BOZAK, PHANEUF and CUTHBERT are walking.)

MIKE KOMISAREK: Oh! Hey guys!

PHANEUF: ...Mike?

CUTHBERT: Wow! Great costume!

BOZAK: Where did you get that costume? And where did you find shoes to fit your big ol' feet?

KOMISAREK: Well, It was kinda hard to find a decent Gaga costume that would fit, so I had to do a little Project Runway magic.

BOZAK: You watch Project Runway? (laughs)

KOMISAREK: (surly)Yeah, I watch Project Runway. You wanna make something of it?

BOZAK: (scared) No, sir.

KOMISAREK: Kess, you haven't said anything.

KESSEL: It's because I'm terrified. Normal Gaga is scary enough, but she's only, like, 14 inches tall, you know, so it's OK. A six-four Lady Gaga is pants-shittingly terrifying.

KOMISAREK: If it's so scary, then explain why I just won five hundred dollars at that bar I was just in for Halloween Hottie 2010?

KESSEL: You won five hundred dollars for dressing like a girl?

PHANEUF: Girl? Depends what you read on the Internet.

KOMISAREK: I wasn't even going to enter the contest. I just went in there to ask for directions and I ended up winning.

KESSEL: But five hundred dollars? Man, I might need to start up a new hobby...

CUTHBERT: Phil, you make millions of dollars playing hockey.

KESSEL: Oh yeah...

BOZAK: I have to be honest Mike—if I didn't know that was you, I'd be trying to take you home right now.

PHANEUF: So Mike, you wanna join us? We're going to grab beer and then I'm having that party at my place.

KOMISAREK: Oh...is that tonight? I must have totally forgotten. See, I'm already scheduled at the...uh...orphan puppy institute. Yeah, we're having this masquerade ball to promote awareness and stuff. Sorry.

PHANEUF: It's ok. You just say hi to those orphan puppies for the Leafs, ok? You make sure the Leafs are well represented. 'cuz we're all classy 'n shit.

KOMISAREK: Will do, Dion. See you guys, have a good night! (KOMISAREK leaves, KESSEL, PHANEUF, CUTHBERT, and BOZAK continue on their way.)

CUTHBERT:...Hey wait a minute...

PHANEUF: What? Is it about Mike?

CUTHBERT: No, no...it's just that girl over there....bitch stole my costume!

BOZAK: You're a sexy nurse. That's, like, the most generic sexy lady costume out there.

CUTHBERT: I'm gonna go kick her ass. (CUTHBERT leaves)

PHANEUF: Woo! You show her what for, honey!

CUTHBERT: I love you babe!

KESSEL: Awesome, we get to see two chicks fight!

BOZAK: Have you ever seen two chicks fight, like, for real? Not in the “Oh, you ripped of my shirt, now let's make out: fights you seen in porn, but like an actual, knock-down, drag-out match? It's scary ass shit. (They run into TIM BRENT, dressed as Robin Hood, MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI, dressed as the Dread Pirate Roberts, and NIKOLAI KULEMIN, who is carrying a hacksaw and has one lower leg covered in fake blood.)

TIM BRENT: Phil!

MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: Bozie!

BRENT: Dion!

GRABOVSKI: And Dion's lady!

NIKOLI KULEMIN: (stares blankly ahead for several moments, then mumbles something in Russian.)

PHANEUF: Hey guys! How is your night?

BRENT: It's been amazing! Grabbo, do what I told you to do for the costume.

GRABOVSKI: As you vish.

BRENT: Dude, he just does that and he's like, drowning in ladies. It's amazing!

KESSEL: Kulie, I didn't take you for the bar crawling with these guys type. Don't you, like, have a wife and baby or something?

KULEMIN: Inconleebabble!

BRENT: Oh, hamburgers.

GRABOVSKI: Is not right word! You's being confused.

BOZAK: Wait a second,,,are all you guys various roles of Cary Elwes?

KESSEL: Holy crap, they are!

BRENT: And unlike other Robin Hoods, I can speak with a British accent. (CUTHBERT returns, roughed up, carrying an eyepatch and a large, fake needle.)

CUTHBERT: Hey guys!

KESSEL: Elisha...are you ok?

CUTHBERT: Pfft, just some scrapes and bruises, that;'s all. Plus, I scored this eye patch and a fake needle that's filled with vodka!

PHANEUF: That's my girl! (they high five and engage in sloppy making out)

BOZAK: Hey guys, there's the Beer Store right there!

KESSEL: Awesome! I knew it was around here somewhere.

PHANEUF: Son of a bitch!

CUTHBERT: What the hell? Is it closed?

BRENT: Oh man, that sucks! Where are we gonna get beer now?

PHANEUF: Well, I know in Quebec you can buy beer at the gas station.

BOZAK: That would be great, except Quebec is several hours away.

GRABOVSKI: Plus, we has to go through Ottawa for gettings Quebec, which is sucks.

KULEMIN: Fuck that Ottawa noise.

CUTHBERT: Well, Michigan's a little closer to us than Quebec is.

KESSEL: Except Michigan sucks ass.

PHANEUF: Look, I think we can figure out something for the party tonight. Let's just head back and explain what happened. I'm sure the guys will understand and we'll probably be able to have a great time without drinking.

KESSEL: I doubt it.

Stay tuned for part 3! 

Halloween Beer Run of Horror, part 1

(SCENE: At DION PHANUEF’s place decorated for a Halloween party. PHANUEF is dressed as the “My New Haircut” guy, while ELISHA CUTHBERT is dressed as a sexy nurse. )


ELISHA CUTHBERT: Are you sure we have everything we need for the party?
DION PHANEUF: Of course we do. Being prepared is one of the reasons they made me captain.
CUTHBERT: It’s just we haven’t done a big party like this at the place before. I’m a bit nervous about having all the guys here.
(PHIL KESSEL and TYLER BOZAK enter, dressed as Bill and Ted, respectively)
PHIL KESSEL: Dion!
TYLER BOZAK: Hey, are we early?
PHANEUF: A little bit, but it’s ok.
KESSEL: Dude, you told us to be here at 8, so we’re here.
CUTHBERT: It’s fine, don’t worry about it. Here, maybe you guys can help me hang these lights. I’m not quite tall enough to do it.
BOZAK: Dion’s taller than both of us….
PHANEUF: Elisha, I told you earlier, the guys aren’t really gonna care about the lights. We’ll be too busy drinking beer and giving each other shit about our costumes.
KESSEL: I really like your costume, Elisha. It’s really nice. It really shows off your, uh…niceness. (PHANEUF glares)
BOZAK: What? It’s a really great boobs—I mean, costume.
PHANEUF: You’re on thin freakin’ ice. Even if your costumes rock.
KESSEL: I know, right? It’s all Bozie’s idea. He said I could be Bill because he’s the smart one.
BOZAK: Nah, I said Bill was the cool one. Ted is clearly the smart one. (TOMAS KABERLE enters, dressed as Andrew W.K.)
BOZAK: Hey Kabs! Cool costume!
PHANEUF: Wow, Kabbie, I didn’t know you liked Andrew W.K.
TOMAS KABERLE: I am glad you like it.
KESSEL: How’d you get such great looking fake blood?
KABERLE: It’s not fake blood. I hit myself in the face with a brick so I would feel pain again.
CUTHBERT: That’s, uh, cool...I guess.
PHANEUF: ELISHA! DAMMIT!
CUTHBERT: What wrong, babe?
PHANEUF: I just realized we forgot to get beers for the party!
CUTHBERT: How the hell did we forget that?!
KESSEL: So is it beer run time?
PHANEUF: It looks it.
BOZAK: Phil and I can come with you! We can help carry stuff!
KABERLE: I will stay here and make sure that people will stay if they come.
PHANEUF: That sounds like a good idea.

Stay tuned for part 2!

Maple Leafs Chat:When the steaks are high

***Welcome to the Official Chat Room of the Toronto Maple Leafs!***
KomiKazi: Man, you guys know what I miss most about Montreal?
KesselRun81Parsecs:  The strippers?
ButtonsAndBeauch: Buying beer at the gas station?
SchennSational: Warming your hands on a freshly-lit car fire?
KomiKazi: OK, fine, those things are also great. But what I really miss are the steaks.
ButtonsAndBeauch: What about the steaks? What’s so special about it?
KomiKazi: It’s just got all of these spices and stuff.  It’s amazing!
KesselRun81Parsecs:  Dude, you can just buy it in stores and make steaks at home.
KomiKazi: Get out of here! You mean you can just BUY Montreal steak seasoning?
SchennSational: Well…yeah.
KomiKazi: You must not be able to buy it in Canada, right? I mean, it’d sounds pretty stupid to call it “Montreal steak seasoning”   when you’re so close to Montreal. Kinda like how they don’t call it New York Strip Steak in New York, right?
ButtonsAndBeauch: I’ve seen it before. Sometimes it’s just “steak seasoning” but sometimes they mark it as “Montreal seasoning.”
KomiKazi:…
KomiKazi: You guys…this changes everything, you guys.
KesselRun81Parsecs:  Sometimes I like putting it on my baked potatoes. It’s tasty.
KomiKazi: OMIGOD! I never knew you could do that! But is it actual steak seasoning? I always thought there were special spices, like tears of French people or something.
SchennSational: I’m gonna default to Beauch on this one.
ButtonsAndBeauch: I’d say it’s pretty tasty.
KomiKazi: I’m gonna go to the grocery store and get like a 10 pound sack. I’ll get one of those smaller bottles and keep it on me so I can have Montreal steak all the time!
KesselRun81Parsecs:  You don’t wanna do that, ya know. Ya don’t wanna overdo the awesomeness.
SchennSational: Kessel’s right, you have to do stuff in moderation and such.
Grab_Bag: Hallos. You know what I most miss of Montreal?
KomiKazi: What?
Grab_Bag: NOTHING!
Grab_Bag: /stabs fruit.

October 8, 2010--third blogiversary!

I think this year is going to be a low-key, relaxed celebration. I'd just like to thank everyone who has read, linked, been a part of Twitter back-and-forths, and so for the past three years. I hope I can keep doing this without totally half-assing it as long as it's fun for you and me. Thank you everyone! Here's a cupcake:

Maple Leafs Chat: Tuckered Out

BaadMuthaTucker: You know, I think it’s good for me to retire. Since I have the time, maybe I should make some amends with certain people…
***BaadMuthaTucker is calling PecaPickledPeppers!***
PecaPickledPeppers: Hello?
BaadMuthaTucker: Hey Mike, it’s…it’s Darcy. How’s it going?
PecaPickledPeppers:…Who?
BaadMuthaTucker: Darcy Tucker. We played on the Leafs a bit before you got injured again? I meant to hang out with you more, but then you got injured and we left for other teams, so I kind of lost contact.
PecaPickledPeppers: Uh, yeah…sure.
BaadMuthaTucker: Anyway, I figure since I’m retired now, I can finally bury some hatchets.
PecaPickledPeppers: wait, you’re retiring?
BaadMuthaTucker: Yeah, I figured it was about time. My back and knees and such couldn’t keep me going the way I wanted to.
PecaPickledPeppers:…
PecaPickledPeppers YOU’RE complaining to ME about knees?
BaadMuthaTucker: Oh right, sorry. That was in bad tastes. So, uh…what are you doing now?
PecaPickledPeppers: I’m in broadcasting now. It’s OK. It’s a lot of work to do, but it’s exciting, I guess.
BaadMuthaTucker: Oh, neat! How is that going?
PecaPickledPeppers: The hardest part is only living on an apple, some rice, and unlimited black coffee a day.
BaadMuthaTucker: Why are you doing that? I’m pretty sure that’s anorexia, Mike.
PecaPickledPeppers: I gotta stay sharp for the camera. Did you know I weigh 125 pounds? God, I’m such a Fatty Fatkins McFatass.
BaadMuthaTucker: Holy shit, Mike. I’m not a doctor, but I’m really, really sure you need some sort of help for that. Are you sure you don’t want to play golf or something, just to talk?
PecaPickledPeppers: Listen, I uh, have to go. I think I broke my wrist…again. Talk to you soon?
BaadMuthaTucker: Any time you need to talk, Mike, I’m here.
PecaPickledPeppers: /hangs up
***BaadMuthaTucker is calling Tie_Fighter!***
BaadMuthaTucker: Tie! It’s Darcy! How’s it going?
Tie_Fighter: It’s fine, Darc. I’m keeping busy on Battle of the Blades and such.
BaadMuthaTucker: Is that the ice skating show like Dancing with the Stars?
Tie_Fighter: Pretty much. I’m kicking ass and taking names.
BaadMuthaTucker: Yeah, that sounds like the Tie I know! You want to go golfing or something?
Tie_Fighter: I dunno, I’m pretty busy…I guess I’ll have to do a raincheck.
BaadMuthaTucker: Nah, it’s ok. See you later!
Tie_Fighter: /hangs up
***BaadMuthaTucker is calling AveryGoodTime!***
AveryGoodTime: Hello?
BaadMuthaTucker: You’re a little shithead.
BaadMuthaTucker: /hangs up
BaadMuthaTucker: Man, that never gets old.

Friday Youtube Yoinkage October 1, 2010

Today's theme is Luca Caputi!

clip one: the Luca Caputi rap. I do wish my alarm said Luca Caputi


In clip two, Luca and Aryan Suberbeing Jordan Staal talk about hockey and stuff.


Clip three has Luca Caputi talking about being on the Leafs.