Monday, July 12, 2010

Jeff Finger's Off Ice Adventures!

(SCENE: JEFF FINGER is at TOMAS KERBLE’S house standing on the front lawn.)
FINGER: Welcome to Jeff Finger’s Off-Ice Adventures! I’m Jeff Finger here to show you what real NHL players do in their spare time! My guest today is Maple Leafs defenseman Tomas Kaberle. Tomas, how’s it going?
KABERLE: Is not too bad.
FINGER: So, what’s the plan today?
KABERLE: Today, I am doing some reading, some grilling, and avoiding the MLHS forums like the plague.
FINGER: Cool! What’s on the grill? It smells delicious.
KABERLE: It is recipe I call “Butter steak”. I cook steak, and then I put butter on it.
FINGER: Who the hell puts butter on steak? That sounds really weird but delicious at the same time.
KABERLE: …I just explained butter steak to you. Maybe it is Czech thing, since butter is one of our most important spices, after salt and bacon grease.
FINGER:Man, you Czechs are crazy. Do you know what else is crazy? The huge-ass containers at Costco.
FINGER: I can seriously get a bottle of Robitussin that’s like five galloons’ worth.
KABERLE: Who needs that much cough syrup?
FINGER: I drank it all on the way here.
KABERLE: Holy shit, Finger! That’s really not good for you!
FINGER: Sometimes I put in Jolly Ranchers and call it “Rainbow Stew”, but it’s not like any rainbow stew Merle Haggard’s ever heard of!
KABERLE: Maybe you should see a doctor, Jeff. That much cough syrup cannot be good for your health. It is very concerning—
FINGER: Nothing to be concerned about here. My contract means I can buy a metric buttload of Robitussin and Jolly Ranchers.
ANGRY MAN IN STREET: HEY KABERLE YOU—(KABERLE throws rocks at ANGRY MAN ad hits him in the face)
KABERLE: HA! Got ‘im!
FINGER: What the hell just happened?
KABERLE: It is some random guy who keeps insulting me. I have been trying to chase him away with limited success.
ANGRY MAN: (garbled mess)
FINGER: Oh, man, he’s not dead! He’s angry!
KABERLE: Well, he is leaving now, I am ok with that.
FINGER: (awkward pause) So….What do you see for the future of the Maple Leafs?
KABERLE: I told you, I am avoiding forums. They want to trade me for Bobby Ryan and Jeff Freakin’ Carter. But I am not worried.
FINGER: Yeah, I noticed you’re pretty Zen about this whole thing. How can you do that?
KABERLE: In Czech republic, we have saying: “Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be.”
FINGER: Dude, if you start singing, I will punch you in the throat.
KABERLE: No worries, for I do not know the rest of the song.
FINGER: Uh, ok. That's all I have for this episode of Jeff Finger's off ice adventures.  Join me next time when I meet up with Dion Phaneuf when he attempts to set a world record in baby eating.


Anonymous said...

I cant believe yo uwrote this, up read it and then didnt immediately delete the entire thing

Aubrey said...

OMG. Paula Deen is a secret Czech! I mean, butter and bacon grease are like her two favorite things, right?

Fergus30 said...

what is "up read it?"

Maybe you should "up read" your comments before you post them?


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