Ask Lee Stempniak: In Search of Buttons

Photo credit: http://coyotes.nhl.com/club/player.htm?id=8470740 )
(SCENE: LEE STEMPNIAK’S new place in Phoenix)
LEE STEMPNIAK: Hi everyone! I’m sorry for the long delay, but moving to Phoenix and scoring all those goals meant I didn’t have all that much time for the show. But now that the Coyotes are out of the playoffs, I can do the show again.  I’d like to introduce my lovely finacée Jenna to the show.
JENNA: Uh, yeah. Hi Internet people!
STEMPNIAK: But now I’m here, I’m excited for the playoffs, so let’s go! I just need to find my good buddy, Buttons and we can start. Buttons? (looks around couch, behind chairs, etc.) Jenna…have you seen Buttons?
JENNA: Buttons? You mean, like, on clothing?
STEMPNIAK: No, I mean Buttons my little buddy cat.
JENNA: Do you mean Boss? He’s asleep in the next room, in that sunny spot he likes.
STEMPNIAK: No, not Boss. Buttons. The little black and white cat I always…oh no. You don’t think we forgot him, do you?
JENNA: Lee, do you really need—
STEMPNIAK: BUTTONS!
JENNA: Holy shit, this is weird. I’m gonna…I’m gonna go to the store for, uh…some smokes. Yeah, Just stepping out for some smokes. (leaves the room.)
STEMPNIAK: Ok, Ok, Lee…(breaths deeply) Buttons is a stuffed cat. He couldn’t have gotten far. Maybe I should call up some of the guys from the Leafs, maybe they know where he is. (calls MIKE KOMISAREK’S place, where PHIL KESSEL is also hanging out.)
MIKE KOMISAREK: Hello?
STEMPNIAK: Hey Mike, it’s Lee Stempniak.
KOMISAREK: Oh, hey Lee! I haven’t heard from you in forever! How’s it going?
PHIL KESSEL: (mockingly) 27 goals, two years ago!
KOMISAREK: Shut up, Phil.
STEMPNIAK:  Listen, I think I lost Buttons. And since you were the only repeat guest I could get on the show, I was just wondering if you had seen him or if you thought maybe someone else might know where he is.
KOMISAREK: Wait, Buttons was that little cat of yours, right? If so, I haven’t seen him at all.
KESSEL: Hey Mike, while he’s on the phone, ask him what a butterface is.
KOMISAREK: Phil wants to know if you know what a butterface is.
STEMPNIAK: Phil, I’m not your personal Google.
KOMISAREK: Lee says—
KESSEL: I heard what he said. That must mean he doesn’t know.
STEMPNIAK: Hey, I know a lot of stuff! I went to Dartmouth, after all.
KOMISAREK: Phil, a Butterface is when a girl’s real hot, got a nice body...but a really ugly face. You like everything….but her face.
KESSEL: Is that like that Lady Gaga song that’s like “bu-bu-bu butterface, bu-bu-butterface”
STEMPNIAK: Mu-mu-mu-muah.
KOMISAREK:  You know, I bet if you scraped off the makeup and took off the crazy headdress shit, she wouldn’t be that bad looking. She’d almost be “let her eat crackers in the bed” good looking.
KESSEL: No she’s not! Are you fackin’ blind?
STEMPNIAK: Guys, Guys! I don’t care about Lady Gaga. Have you seen Buttons?
KESSEL: Nope.
KOMISAREK: Not here. I think Grabbo had a thing against him, so you may want to check that out.
STEMPNIAK: Ok, thanks guys. (calls MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI)
MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: Vitayu. Grabovski.
STEMPNIAK: Hey, Mikhail, it’s Lee Stempniak. I’m calling because I can’t find Buttons.
GRABOVSKI: What is Buttons?
STEMPNIAK: You remember…my little black and white cat?
GRABOVSKI: Cat was weird. Buttons no like Mikhail. Cat just stares at Mikhail and plots evil.
STEMPNIAK: Buttons is not evil, Mikhail.
GRABOVSKI: Well, I have no seen Buttons. Too busy stabbing new fruits to see Buttons. (in the background, a skeet shooting platform launches and a shotgun is fired)
STEMPNIAK: What the Hell was that?
GRABOVSKI: Good shots, Kulemin!
STEMPNIAK: O…kay. I’ll just hang up now. Have a good one.
GRABOVSKI: Ok, Lee! Hey Kulemin! Leaves me starfruits! Those are fun.
STEMPNIAK: I just don’t know who would know where Buttons could be…wait a minute…what’s that near the window?
BUTTONS:…
STEMPNIAK:  You weren’t there before!
BUTTONS:…
STEMPNIAK: Don’t scare me like that!