Those of you who pay attention to this sort of thing may already know about the club spat that allegedly involved Sean Avery and Lindsay Lohan (among others.) Heather of Wrap Around Curl and I got to talking and we pieced together what the event may have looked like to observers. Plus, I get an excuse to use this gif:
(SCENE: AARON VOROS enters club with JESSICA STAM. SEAN AVERY is already seated at a table.)
SEAN AVERY: Who the hell are you two? And he can’t sit here, he’s not nearly stylish enough. But you, the blonde? You can totally sit right on me—I mean, uh, next to me.
AARON VOROS: Dude, I play on the same team as you do. We’re both part of the New York Rangers.
JESSICA STAM: And I’m his girlfriend, Jessica Stam, eh? I’m a model from Canada and I got discovered in a Tim Horton’s, eh?
SEAN AVERY: Why are you talking like that?
STAM: I am from Canada, eh?
AVERY: We don’t talk like that, seriously.
VOROS: I think it’s cute.
AVERY: I’m from Canada and I don’t talk like that.
(LINDSAY LOHAN enters)
LINDSAY LOHAN: ‘Sup sluts? I just got done with a alcohol class so let’s celebraaaaaate bitcheesssssss! (LOHAN steals bottle of wine form a neighboring table.)
AVERY: Should you really be drinking that? Aren’t you in rehab for alcoholism or something?
LOHAN: Whatever, man. I know so much about alcohol, I coulda taught that dumb class. Like, how if you have cheap vodka and you put it in a Brita filter, it gets better! Then, you put it in a Evian bottle and bazinga!—PARTY WATER!. I even started brewing my own since I couldn’t buy anything with enough burn to it.
VOROS: That…sounds like it’s totally counterintuitive to any rehab.
LOHAN: Who the Hell are you, scab?
VOROS: I’m Aaron Voros of the New York Rangers.
LOHAN: Are you an ex-boyfriend of mine?
AVERY:I dunno—how much bleach do you have left?
LOHAN: Ah, screw you douche juice, I was in the Parent Trap! I was the cute one!
STAM: I dunno, wasn’t there a dog in the Parent Trap?
AVERY: And Dennis Quaid?
LOHAN: Whatever. Who’s this tramp over here?
STAM: I was aboot to be a dentist, ya you know, I was just in a Timmy Ho's getting my double double and timbits on my way back from Canada’s Wonderland. Now I model, and I travel the world, eh? I’m gonna be a pilot!
LOHAN: I do car commercials…in Japan!
STAM: I wouldn’t trust ya to dive a Tonka truck, eh?
AVERY: Oh sheeeeet, you gonna need some aloe for that burn?
VOROS: Being in a DUI PSA doesn’t count as a car commercial.
STAM: Lindsay, don’t you think you have a problem?
LOHAN: Yeah, I got a problem. I got a problem with some donut chomping skankass telling me what to do!
VOROS: Dude, chicks fights are so awesome.
AVERY: Girls, girls...ladies. Don’t fight. Not here, anyway—I don’t have my kiddie pool of jello set up
LOHAN: HEY RANGER GUY, DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
VOROS: uh....I knew what you were at one point.
AVERY: What happened Lilo--can I call you Lilo? You can tell me everything, Lindsay, back at my place after I put on my Teflon condom.
LOHAN: Well, I could use a friend, you know, someone to hang out with and hold my hair back when I puke and start fights with when my next movie comes out.
VOROS: Go on…
STAM: Don’t even talk to her, eh? I think I’m aboot to catch the herp from being in the same room as her.
LOHAN: This dj SUCKS! I wanna sit by them give tips. I used to date a DJ ya know! And she didn’t suck like this loser!
AVERY: Wait, are you back with the cocks or are you still in the henhouse? ‘Cuz, like, I can swing both ways, if that’s what you're into. I'm not scared of a little makeup and pretending.
STAM: What does that mean?
LOHAN: It’s called bisexual, asshat!
VOROS: Bisexual? Isn't that where you wanna kill your dad and screw your mom? Or is that the one with the mascots?
AVERY: SHE DOESNT EVEN GO HERE!
LOHAN: Wait…if she’s Canadian…how come she’s white?
VOROS: You can’t just ask people why they’re white. Can you?
LOHAN: I know who killed me!
STAM: Yeah, it was you. Good luck on Hollywood squares (At this point, a drink is thrown and LOHAN gets tossed out of the club.)
AVERY: Dude...did I just get out douched? and by a damn chick? I really need to step up my game.
VOROS: Nah, you’re fine.
AVERY: Who are you and why are you still talking?