A Player’s Perspective: Luke Schenn

You guys thought I was done with these, didn’t you? Suckers. I just got distracted and had trouble finding suitable targets. Here’s more typical fanfic rewritten from a player’s perspective, this time starring Luke Schenn.

The offseason is rough on a man, especially a man fresh off his rookie year. At first you think, “OK, cool, I can relax a bit”, but NO. The phrase “sophomore slump” comes into your mind and people start talking about “flukes” and “one-trick ponies.” It gets old. And you can work out and train only so much—you end up needing a break.

I went to the mall one day after my morning workout. I thought it’d be a nice change of pace, and I heard there was a sale on socks. You can never have too many socks, you know, so you can always throw away the ones with holes. As I was walking by the food court, I saw a girl with one of those platters from the fine cheese and sausage place. She was probably late teens, tall, dark black hair, really cute, and not a trace of a secret meth addiction on her. Something told me she was probably a genius, a terrific cook and would be one of those girls who are so perfect you can’t believe you actually found her. She said, “Hi, I’m Erica. Would you like to try some of our new teriyaki sausage?”

I always like free stuff, so I said “Why, sure!” As I took a mini-wiener on a toothpick, my eyes met her deep violet eyes. I had always heard of people with violet eyes, but I never knew that they were real. Within a second, we were in love.

That is…we were in love until her knees buckled a pink and purple puddle appeared on her shoes. “OH my God! My panties just melted!”

I blushed and looked away from her. I always hated when this happened—it’s so embarrassing for both of us and anyone else watching. “Oh Gosh” I stammered “I…I’m so sorry. I forget that happens sometimes. Here’s some money for a replacement pair. It’s the least I could do. I’m so sorry. I hope you forgive me.” I gave her money without looking into her gorgeous eyes again so she wouldn’t get pregnant. Normally, pregnancy wasn’t a problem, but I had used up all my titanium condoms the night before and I didn’t want to take the risk. I hurried away into one of the stores, leaving her behind.

I bought my extra socks and some other stuff I needed without incident. I stopped at the food court for lunch (I know, it’s terrible for you, but one slip-up every now and then won’t kill you.) I took a sip of the bottled water I got and I tasted...beer. It was the best beer I had ever tasted, it was everything anyone could ever want in a beer, but I thought I had gotten water. I went to the counter and said to the serer guy, “Um, excuse me, this may sound kind of weird, but I ordered water and somehow it turned into beer. Don’t get me wrong—it’s really good beer—but it’s just...weird, is all.”

“Look buddy”, said the server guy, “We don’t even sell beer here. That bottle’s clearly marked ‘Mountain spring water.’” I offered him a sip to prove I wasn’t just pulling his leg and he said “Wow…that’s damn good beer! I wonder how you managed this….and what’s this plaid puddle on the floor ?”

“Never mind”, I sighed. I threw a ten on the counter to cover a replacement pair and walked away without saying anything else.

I got home and thought about the girl at the sausage shop and the server guy. There had to be a way I could stop melting stranger’s underwear. Then I thought, “Hey, what if I wore really dark sunglasses? Sure, I’d look like a total douchebag, but it would save so much embarrassment, not to mention money for replacement pairs.” I put on my sunglasses and thought, “Man, give me a blonde wig and a leotard and I could be Lady Gaga.” Then I felt a trickle of some liquid down my pants. A puddle that was the same color and pattern as the boxers I had on that morning appeared.

“Well, crap.” I sighed.