Slashfic Summer: Pythons of London

Starring JaredofLondon from Die Hard Blue and White.
I'm going to call this just hardly PG-13 on account of some naughty words. Oh, and here is the origin of "Pythons".

Jared of London came home from yet another long night of hauling around guns and big bags of money. It was an OK job--it paid bills and put a roof over his head, but it was sadly lacking in the hot women, ninjas and monkey butlers he had always dreamed about. He entered the apartment, flicked on the light, and saw the one thing he never, ever wanted to see sitting on his couch. It was That Guy, who so often appeared in Jared's "Talking to Myself" series.

"Morning, Jackass!" said That Guy as he took a swig from what happened to be the last bottle of beer in Jared's refrigerator.

"OK, That's it!" yelled Jared. "You come in here, drink my beer, eat my food, track in mud and you don't even chip in for rent! we're settling this RIGHT. NOW! YOU'RE GOING DOWN, ASSHOLE!"

"Make me!" said That Guy as he finished the beer. Jared had always feared the day would come, when he and his intruder would have to fight for control. Jared rolled up his sleeves as That Guy advanced menacingly toward him. Jared saw That Guy coming and pinned his back to the ground. That Guy kicked Jared in the ribs and somehow, Jared's own foot began to hurt. Jared threw a few haymakers to That Guy's face but stopped when he realized his face was hurting too. That Guy then kicked Jared in the stomach, leaving Jared winded just long enough for him to wriggle free. That Guy tried to escape, but Jared grabbed his legs and punched him in the back of the knees, causing That Guy to fall to the floor. Jared searched for something--anything--he could use as a weapon when he saw a small kiddie pool filled with Jello on his floor.

"Weird" said Jared to himself. "I don't remember that being there before..."

"Shirtlessness can only improve this situation!" yelled That Guy, tearing off his shirt while tackling Jared. A dazed (and somehow shirtless) Jared tumbled backwards into the kiddie pool of Jello. That Guy saw his chance, and pounced on Jared, who bit That Guy on his arm. Jared sprung to his knees and tried to drown That Guy in the pool of Jello until he realized he couldn't breathe. Suddenly, both Jared and That Guy tried to punch each other at the same time, and thier fists connected! Python met python, fist hit fist. Time stopped, and the universe said "Oh." All it could say was 'Oh.'

Several hours later, Jared woke up on the floor of his apartment. He was covered in broken glass, blood, and Jello. Jared wasn't totally sure what had happened, but he knew three things for certain: his place was a mess, he hurt like Hell, and there was a piece of paper stapled to his hand. Gingerly, he lifted his arm to read the message scrawled across it: "You're out of beer, milk, eggs, and bread. --That Guy. P.S.: Fuck you!"

"What an asshole!" sighed Jared, right before he passed out again.