Mitchell goes to the Movies

So you guys, I’ve been a bit stressed out over exams and final papers and such. As a result, I’m going to have a guest writer today. I haven’t screened it first, so I don’t know what he wrote about. Please welcome my special guest, first time writer to the wonderful World of Loser Domi, John Mitchell.
(you may also want to read this Pension Plan Puppets post first to get the joke)
(mug shot from Nhl.com)

Howdy Folks. John Mitchell here. When Domi first asked me to write here, I was all, “who the Hell are you and what do you want?” Then I thought, “well, fuck, I don’t know nothing about writing shit on blogs n shit.” Then Domi’s like, “just write something, I don’t care.” So here ya go folks, the first installment of “Mitchell goes to the Movies”


So anyway, me and Matt Stajan went to see the movie “Knowing.” So at the beginning, there’s a school and the kids are making drawings and stuff about what the future’s gonna be like to put in this time capsule, except this one chick was writing just numbers and not stopping and the teacher’s like, “that’s just fucked up” and the teacher takes away the paper the girl’s writing on. Later the girl disappears and they find her in a closet trying to scratch more numbers in the closet door, except her fingers are just bloody stubs so it’s not like she’s accomplishing much.


So 50 years after the school thing, they open up the time capsule, and everyone else is like “what’s up with these damn numbers? All the other kids drew rockets and flying cars and shit, what’s up with these numbers?” And then Nicolas Cage shows up and he’s all “I’m Nic Cage and I’m somehow an astrophysicist or some shit that can figure this all out.” So he puts on his “Nic Cage figuring shit out” terrible hair and figures out that the numbers predict the future and stuff. Like, it predicts 9/11 and how many victims and what times and stuff. The numbers predict different events like plane crashes and stuff, the right times, and the body count and everything. All in all, spooky shit.


Then Nic Cage is all “man, I gotta meet this chick who wrote this and see if she knows anything else.” Only he discovers she offed herself years ago, so Nic Cage has to settle for the daughter except the daughter’s all “Get your ass away from me, Nic Cage.” Except then a subway car crashes and then the daughter’s all “Oh man, my mom predicted when I was gonna die and it’s on the list. I’ll totally help you now, Nic Cage.”


Then there’s some stuff with hearing whispers and shit. It’ll come back later. Anyway, Nic Cage sees the last event and there’s 33 people listed as a death toll, so he’s like “well, ok 33 ain’t too bad.” But then, the daughter’s like “oh by the way, as if my mom wasn’t nuts enough already with the hearing shit and writing down fucktons of numbers, but she liked to write stuff backwards too. And 33 backwards is EE or ‘everyone else’ and we’re all gonna fuckin die.” Nic Cage is like “I got a flashlight, bitch, I’mma save the whole fucking earth in like 15 minutes cuz I’m fucking Nic Cage.”


Didn’t he do that for like, the last 5 movies he did? Seriously, how many of his last movies have just been “I’m Nic Cage with a flash light and I’m gonna solves puzzles and save shit?” Seriously Nic Cage, what the fuck? Why do you keep doing these movies that are like extreme Sudoku where the instead of figuring out the numbers, you have to do it to save the world?


Then there’s some running around and dramatic music and shit and I’m like, “Bitch run faster! Run harder, you might make it into a decent movie! There’s no hope for Nic Cage, but YOU MIGHT MAKE IT!” then Stajan was all, “Johnny they can’t hear you, it’s just a movie screen” and I was like, “shut the fuck up Mr. I’m too pretty to check.”


I won’t give away the ending, but the whispering people come up and there’s some explosions or some shit. All in all, totally fucked up movie.


My review of the movie in three words: WHAT. THE. FUCK. Nic Cage should go back to punching broads while wearing a bear suit.