Wednesday, August 27, 2008

A Player's Perspective: Max Talbot

To continue with my experiment, I am re-writing typical fanfiction from a player’s perspective. This time, I write from the point of view of Maxime Talbot. Let me know in the comments or email me if you have a suggested target.

So one night, I go out with my crew. We’re all feeling good—we had won the previous game, it was Friday night in Pittsburgh (don’t laugh, some of those bitches are fine.) I stocked up on my patented Chick Bait—double Stuff Ores and the finest of Boone’s farm. Chicks dig that, and trust me I know all about chicks ‘cause I’m the great Maxime Talbot, and they are just stupid walking vaginas fit for me to plunder.

So I go up to this one girl. She was pretty great looking, you know, all dressed up just for me (since I’m so freaking awesome.) I got to her and the conversation goes like this:

Me: “Hi, I’m Max Talbot”

Her: “Uh, ok, uh, do I know you?

I didn’t get it. Shouldn’t she be falling over herself at the fact that I chose her out of all the chicks here to talk to? I tried again: “I got some Boone’s Farm and Double Stuff Oreos in my car.” She says to me, “What the fuck do you think I am? Fourteen? Get out of here!”

I was shocked. How dare that stuck up English American bitch turn me down like that! I couldn’t figure it out, so I just left her alone. Damn bitch probably had herpes or something. I found Marc-André Fleury in a comer in the back. He said, OH Max, it’s all OK. I’ll eat your Oreos and drink your Boone’s Farm.” I told him, “No Marc, those are for the hot bitches, not gangly horse-toothed freaks like you. Let’s get out of here.” He says, “OK, I’ll just wait for these two hot coeds to finish blowing me. You girls are 18, right?”

Tabernack fouckin’ ostie!


wrap around curl said...

Ahhhh Boone's Farm. It's the classiest of bargain liquors.

My target is...Ovechkin. He is walking comedy gold.

Jaredoflondon said...

Yet more gold, I agree with WAC, Ovie would be great, he's like a suave Russian hockey star version of Borat.

Loser Domi said...

You know what I forgot to include with Talbot? Quoting Superbad. Damn. My one issue with doing an Ovie one is that MYFO has done some outstanding ones and I dno't know if I could measure up. Then again, there was this one time I had a dream about meeting him, so I could just ranscribe that, guess.

Anonymous said...

fucking amazing. Best use of the word "plunder" ever. Also, you captured the ego of a man that recently boasted about the best playoff beard. If I could see you write a story about anyone, it would be Jordan Staal. And, I'm pretty sure that Staal and Talbot have both taught Malkin all he knows about picking up American women. Excellent work.

Loser Domi said...

Lori--Staal's a good idea, and I also had an email suggestion for a FLeury story. The only issue I'd have with doing them is that I'd end up getting Pens heavy. I might want to spread it around a bit more. But I will consider it. I baed Talbot non an old roomate I had who in all seriousness probably thinks in this manner...except he's never got laid (gee, I wonder why?)


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