Ask Lee Stempniak: Bisexual, Asshat

(mugshot from NHL.com)

I'd like to thank JaredofLondon for being a great idea bouncer once again.

(SCENE: LEE STEMPNIAK’S house, where he is seated on his couch with PHIL KESSEL and MIKE KOMISAREK)
STEMPNIAK: Welcome again to another edition of “Ask Lee Stempniak!” Once more, I am your host, NHL player Lee Stempniak. I’m joined here by my friends and two of the newer members of the Toronto Maple Leafs, Phil Kessel and Mike Komisarek. Thanks for coming out, you guys.
MIKE KOMISAREK: Thanks for, uh, having us, I guess.
PHIL KESSEL: WOWIE! 50 BUCKS to hang out with you and answer mail? Thanks Lee! Man, I’m gonna go buy Assassin’s Creed!
KOMISAREK: I dunno Phil, maybe Little Big Planet is more up your alley…
KESSEL: Why is that, Mike?
KOMISAREK: Well, it’s just that you’re….never mind.
STEMPNIAK: Jared in London asks “How do they get the caramel inside of the Caramilk bar?”
KESSEL: Man, that’s a hard one. But yanno, those Australians do some pretty crazy stuff, donchaknow. I dunno if their Caramilk is the same as our Caramilk.
KOMISAREK: Wait a second: Australians?
KESSEL: Well, yeah, isn’t he in London?
STEMPNIAK: That means he could be British. Or maybe he’s from Ontario, or any other place that has a city named “London.”
KOMISAREK: There are quite a few of those.
STEMPNIAK: I think they make the section with the…packets part, I guess you call it, then put in caramel, then put on a slab of chocolate.
KESSEL: “Packet parts”?
STEMPNIAK: Kinda like an ice cube tray, I guess?
KESSEL: So Caramilks are ice cube trays? Geez, you Canadians are weird.
KOMISAREK: Uh, I’m from Long Island.
STEMPNIAK: I’m from the Buffalo-ish area.
KESSEL: Close enough!
STEMPNIAK: Kessel, you’re from Wisconsin! You’re probably closer than either of us!
KESSEL: You’re still weird.
STEMPNIAK: Anyway, Samantha from Denver wants to know “On a scale of 1-10, how hairy is Ian White?” I’d say….11.
KOMISAREK: Yes, 11. Dude sheds like a cat.
KESSEL: He’s like a…wolverine or something, he’s so fackin’ hairy.
STEMPNIAK: Next question is from Dave in Newbury who asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak, I’m writing to you because I think we’re in the same situation. I'm in a real personal pickle. I've always felt, well, a bit different from the other people I know and I think I may be bisexual. How can I come out to my really conservative parents?" Wait…how would I be in the same situation as this guy? I’m not—
KESSEL: What’s a bisexual? Does that mean he fucks bicycles?
KOMISAREK: Nah, it means he’s only gay on weekends.
KESSEL: I thought it meant that he was only gay when he was depressed?
STEMPNIAK: That makes absolutely no sense, Phil. Gay can also mean happy.
KOMISAREK: Well, this guy can’t be too happy—he’s asking Lee Stempniak for advice!
STEMPNIAK: No, you guys, being bisexual means that…you like the person for being them, not because they’re a man or a woman.
KESSEL: So you’re an equal opportunity humper?
KOMISAREK: Like Tila Tequila!
KESSEL: So all bisexuals are hot skanks?
STEMPNIAK: Well, no. It’s not like all straight chicks are hot, you know.
KOMISAREK: Wait….Lee, at the beginning of the letter, Dave says “I think we’re in the same situation.” Is there something you’re not telling us, Lee?
STEMPNIAK: Uh, no. I’m pretty sure I would know if I were bisexual.
KOMISAREK: I dunno, Lee, that’s not what it says on Talk Sports. Check it out, I got it on my Blackberry. Ahem: “I heard stemper was bicurious actually. Him and his friend Dan Shribman had a little bit of a thing. Dan was the recipient if that means anything.”
KESSEL: Uhh…wow, Lee.
STEMPNIAK: Dammit, that’s not true! Talk Sports is like Bleacher Report for puck bunnies!
KESSEL: Not that there’s anything wrong with you being, you know…
STEMPNIAK:…Except it’s not true.
KOMISAREK: Well Dave, here’s what you do: start by telling them you are attracted to Luke Schenn, ‘cause 99% of males admit to being attracted to him--the other 1% are lying. Then slowly work your way through slightly less attractive NHL players, movie stars, or band guys.
STEMPNIAK: I also heard of some people who come out by go on and on about their boyfriend or girlfriend and then switch pronouns. So, they’d be going on about “Oh, my girlfriend’s awesome, she’s got a great job and such and such, and by the way, her name’s Fred.”
KOMISAREK: But you gotta be brave to do that, don’t you?
STEMPNIAK: Oh yeah, but you just have to know your situation. You might want to find a friend who’s gay, lesbian or bi and ask them, or you can go online and get one of the forums for this kind of thing. Anyway, good luck, Dave!
KESSEL: This is what I love about this show, Lee. You can help people with anything--whether it's about coming out of the closet, what color is best for a prom dress, or where to get a good sandwich.
KOMISAREK: Yeah, Lee, about that…you said there would be sandwiches. All we got is some stale Triscuts with spray cheese on them
STEMPNIAK: ...and Hot pockets! Hot pockets are like sandwiches, but better
KOMISAREK: You only have ham and cheese. That’s like the Kmart of hot pockets.
STEMPNIAK: Well, I just need to stock up. It's been a while since I made a Costco run
KOMISAREK: I hate Costco. It’s always so busy, and I mean, who needs 10 gallons of chunky peanut butter? (KESSEL slowly raises his hand. KOMISAREK and STEMPNIAK give him odd looks.)
KESSEL: What? It's tasty and good on fruit!
KOMISAREK: So that’s why you always want to room with Grabovski. Geez, it must be like some sort of freaky fruit peanut butter buffet in there
KESSEL: Man, you don't want to know
STEMPNIAK: (Nervously) Haha bi-nanana! You guys get it? ‘Cause of—
KOMISAREK: Yes Lee, I get it.
KESSEL: I don’t.
KOMISAREK: Of course you don’t because you’re…never mind. Actually, I gotta go, um…I have laundry to fold. See you later, Lee, Phil. (KOMISAREK leaves the room.)
STEMPNIAK: Later Mike!
KESSEL: Later! Maybe I should go too, Lee.
STEMPNIAK: You too? Don’t you want to answer some more letters, or have some more Hot Pockets? Hell, you want to come on a Costco run with me? You know, I could get more Hot Pockets, you could get more peanut butter…we could make a trip out of it.
KESSEL: Nah, I think I’m all set for now. Thanks anyway.
STEMPNIAK: Well, if you need anything, just call me. I’ll be a great buddy for you, Phil! See, even my cat Buttons likes you. Well, then again, he’s a stuffed cat, so he likes everybody...
KESSEL: Uh, yeah. Sure. One more thing though…PHILLLLL KESSSEEELLLL. (leaves)
STEMPNIAK: I just don’t know about him, Buttons.