(Mugshot from the Maple Leafs site)
(SCENE: LEE STEMPNIAK’s living room, where he, RICKARD WALLIN, and JEFF FINGER are sitting on a couch.)
LEE STEMPNIAK: (to JEFF FINGER) So, uh, do those kind of pills actually work?
JEFF FINGER: The most you get is, like, an eighth of an inch, if that. They’re mostly sugar and herbs that do who-knows-what to your system. And if there’s a drug test, do you really want to be the guy who tested positive for--
RICKARD WALLIN: Hey, is that light over there supposed to be on?
STEMPNIAK:…Oh, hi everyone! I’m hockey player Lee Stempniak and welcome to my show “Ask Lee Stempniak!” Today I’m joined by two of my friends and fellow hockey players Jeff Finger and Rickard Wallin.
FINGER: I got a question—who writes in to ask Lee Stempniak for advice?
STEMPNIAK: Hey, anytime I get to help people, it’s a good thing!
WALLIN: Yeah! Like how he helped both of us out by giving us forty dollars!
STEMPNIAK: OK, so, first question goes “Dears Lee Stempniak! I comes to Canada a few years ago from Czech Republic. I likes it here, is good place. But mine English is no good. I am nervous of talking to girls in bar and club. How can I talk to girls as good guy without good English? Signed, JT in Toronto.” Well, JT, if you’re patient and friendly, I’m sure that any woman worth her salt will be willing to see past your lack of English skills. They might even be willing to help you with it.
FINGER: JT, You got nothing to worry about. Chicks LOVE foreign dudes. Trust me, they love the bad English. Even Grabovski is up to his neck in pussy. I think it’s the hair.
STEMPNIAK: You cannot hope to tame the Minsk Mullet. You can only hope to keep up.
WALLIN: Grabovski is only with so many girls because he goes to lesbian bars. He says “Rickard, these girls are so desperate for men they dance with each other!” I tell him, “No Grabbo, it doesn’t work like that.”
STEMPNIAK: Umm…ok. Let’s move onto the next question. Angela in Steinbach writes, “What do hockey players do for fun? You can’t work out and practice all the time.” Well, as you can see, I have this show—
WALLIN: That nobody watches!
STEMPNIAK: My mom says she watches.
FINGER: Yanno Stempy, I host my own show. I call it “Finger’s Freak show”
STEMPNIAK: Really? What’s it about?
FINGER: It’s a bit more of an …adult show. Smooth jazz, candles, Japanese rope tying—that kind of thing.
STEMPNIAK: I never would have thought that you were a very kinky guy, Jeff.
FINGER: The kind you don’t take home to mother.
STEMPNIAK: Wow, Jeff…I uh, never would have guessed. Rickard, what do you do off the ice?
WALLIN: As a part of my workout, I’m doing ninja training. Right now, I’m working on moving so people don’t see me.
FINGER: You seem to be doing a good job of it. Sometimes, I forget you’re playing in the game. It’s like you’re invisible or something.
STEMPNIAK: You’re actually really brave—becoming invisible is one of my biggest fears.
WALLIN: O…kay. Can I do a question?
STEMPNIAK: Sure, here—do this one.
WALLIN: OK. Shaneequa who is straight outta Anaheim asks, “Dear Lee Stempniak, besides teammates, who are your best friends?” My best friend is my mom.
FINGER: Mine is my big pile of money.
STEMPNIAK: Mine is Buttons!
FINGER: Buttons? Like, buttons on clothes?
STEMPNIAK: NO. Buttons, my cat! (takes out BUTTONS, a toy cat, from behind his couch)
WALLIN: Was that…a real cat?
STEMPNIAK: You can feel and see him, can’t you? How much more real can he get?
FINGER: No, was that a real cat as in one that was running around and eating stuff?
STEMPNIAK: No, but he’s a great buddy, even when he’s such a scamp.
FINGER: Ok, now you’re creeping me out. And I’m into some freaky shit. I’m outta here. (Leaves)
WALLIN: I don’t think you’re so freaky, Lee. With Buttons, you get all the cuddling of a cat, but you don’t have to worry about claws, or feeding him, or changing a litter box.
STEMPNIAK: Plus, if I have people over who are allergic to cats, there’s no problem.
WALLIN: Yeah, he seems like such a good buddy...(moves closer to STEMPNIAK) You know Lee, I’ve always wanted a good buddy like him. (they exchange smoldering looks)
STEMPNIAK:…Okay…Now you’re kind of creeping me out. Not that there’s anything wrong with that kind of, uh, life style. It’s just that…well, I don’t…I mean…I’m not gay. I think. (sighs) Never mind.
WALLIN: …(Looks at STEMPNIAK)
STEMPNIAK:…(Looks at WALLIN)
WALLIN: Yeah, I uh, I think I have a food in the oven.
STEMPNIAK: Yeah, no problem. Uh…Take care!
WALLIN: See you later! (leaves)
STEMPNIAK: (sighs) well Buttons, I guess it’s just you, me, and Mr. Wong's eggrolls again tonight.