(SCENE: ALEXEI PONIKAROVSKY and RYAN HOLLWEG are sitting on a pair of metal folding chairs in PONIKARVOSKY’S basement. Behind HOLLWEG’s chair is a life sized cardboard standup of NIK ANTROPOV. An old video camera is mounted on a tripod, filming the pair)
PONIKAROVSKY: Hallo and welcomes to Poni Super Awesome Sho that is Excellent. Thanks to trade deadline, there is no Antro (almost cries) so I need new cohost. Today I bring you Ryan Hollweg!
HOLLWEG: Thanks for having me Poni, but uh, this Antro cut out is kinda creeping me out. It’s like the eyes just stare into your soul—
PONIKAROVSKY: THERE’S NO MOCKING ANTRO!
HOLLWEG: Look, I know you’re probably still hurting over the trade, but—
PONIKAROVSKY: NEVER MIND! Now, what is it like on Marlies Squad?
(into to Like a Boss--lyrics NSFW-- comes out of nowhere)
HOLLWEG: Nothing special.
PONIKAROVSKY: Is a typical day for Marlies like playing for the Leafs?
HOLLWEG: Well, it’s pretty similar, but there are some differences.
PONIKAROVSKY: like what?
HOLLWEG: well, the first thing I do is…
With Bacon grease (Like a Boss!)
Drink some coffee (Like a Boss!)
Work my gluets (Like a Boss!)
Mock Tlusty (Like a Boss!)
Eat some pickles (Like a Boss!)
Cross check old ladies (Like a Boss!)
From behind (Like a Boss!)
Hit on puck sluts (Like a Boss!)
Get rejected (Like a Boss!)
Baloney sandwich (Like a Boss!)
Check my email (Like a Boss!)
No messages (Like a Boss!)
Start a fight (Like a Boss!)—oh shit, man I can’t fuckin do it sheeeeeiiit
Get my ass kicked (Like a Boss!)
Prank call Pogge (Like a Boss!)
Fifth of whiskey (Like a Boss!)
Piss on some lady (Like a Boss!)
Shoot myself (Like a Boss!)
In the face (Like a Boss!)
Now I’m dead!
HOLLWEG: Hell yeah
PONIKAROVSKY: You piss on ladies and died?
HOLLWEG: I’m Like a Boss!
PONIKAROVSKY: Yea, you say dat like a thousand times.
HOLLWEG: Like a Boss!
PONIKAROVSKY: Schenn, get out here! (LUKE SCHENN appears and knocks HOLLWEG to the ground)
SCHENN: You are now carrying my child.