Saturday, February 14, 2009

"The Covenant", or, LD Watches Bad Movies so you don't have to


You know how when there’s not hockey on, you have to find other things to do with your time? Well, back in January there were two Saturdays in a row without any Leafs hockey on. That’s when I finally decided to sit down and actually watch “The Covenant.”

Now, I should explain why this movie. It was filmed at my school my first year (fall of 2005) and I had the great chance to be a paid extra in it. However, when it came out, I heard almost no positive reviews for it,(rotten tomatoes gives it a 3 out of 100) so I didn’t go and see it. I’ve been avoiding it this whole time until now.

Since I was an extra in it, I may get more of a kick out of it than anyone else. Also, most of my review comes from the chat I was running with Heather of Wrap Around Curl at the time. I also got really hammered for reasons that will be discussed later.

So, quick synopsis: back in the days of the Salem Witch trials, there were five families who escaped persecution and settled in another place. Over the years, they kept the powers pretty secret and became really rich powerful families, except one branch that apparently died out. The whole plot centers around a group of 4 guys who are the descendants of these powerful families. I’m terrible with names, except I know the leader is Caleb (for the record DRINK everytime someone says Caleb). I will also refer to him as “mini-Crosby” because he looks like Sidney Crosby except he doesn’t punch anyone in the junk. There are also Mini-Eminem (blonde, stupid, douche), longish Hair (longish Hair, drives a motorcycle, stupid douche) and some fourth guy who gets so little attention I didn’t even bother coming up with a name for him. So anyway, these four guys are at a really exclusive prep school in New England and about to “ascend”, which I guess is like a male witch version of puberty, where they get their full powers. This all seems well and good except remember the fifth family? Apparently they NEVER died out and the boy from that family wants to take mini-Crosby’s powers because…he can. That’s how shit goes down in this movie. Maybe he has he panties in a bunch from the whole “not allowed to be one of the cool kids who rule everything” but whatever.

8:12 PM i have seen bits of it before
they showed our admin/proff offices building like every minute

Note. Here is the building in question normally:


It is home to administration, the business office, admissions and several professors’ offices.
Here it is in the movie (for screencaps, just ignore the Japanese in the corner, as I may or may not hae just streamed it from Youku instead of buying it or downloading it)

DRINK EVERY TIME YOU SEE THIS BUILDING. You will get hammered guaranteed. Here’s a bit from the chat:

8:38 PM me: i'm drinking everytime they show the admin building
in 2.5 minutes of playing, I have had 3 drinks
ad I think i missed some
8:39 PM Heather: you are gonna be hammered
So it starts off with this big bonfire party, because there’s nothing rich spoiled kids love more than standing around in the woods drinking. Someone sees the cops coming, so they all get out of there. Mini Crosby, Mini Eminem, Longish hair, and the forth guy get in a car and use their great powers to make the car go off a cliff without dying.
Heather: I remember making fun of the trailer for this
me: as you probably should have
all I know is they filmed at bishop's and I got paid to stand around one night
Heather: I called it a ripoff of The Craft

8:47 PM "harry potter can kiss my ass!"--great line for the covenant
Heather: that's amazing
8:48 PM me: as they're driving over a cliff to escape cops while leaving a party
So then mini-Crosby goes home to his mom, they talk about how his dad used up his magic, which apparently causes the person to get addicted to magic and age super fast. I know this is supposed to be super dramatic, but considering the whole movie seems like the final project for the Honor Society of the Keanu Reeves Acting School, I am having a hard time not laughing. You know, who needs facial expressions or emotions when you’re as hot as these boys, amirite?
And now, we get to see who I think is mini-Crosby’s maybe girlfriend showering for some reason. From the chat:
8:57 PM oh there's no shower scene quite like a gratuitous shower scene
8:59 PM Heather: just like in Pucked
me: sorta
only less hockey
9:00 PM Heather: there really wasnt hockey in pucked
And then there’s some generic “OMIGOD I’m so spooked out but it turned out to be nothing stuff.


So Longish hair and mini-crosby talk on the phone about gratuitous useage of powers while mini-Crosby (Caleb) is driving, except he almost gets in a car crash! But his powers cause the car to disintergrate so Caleb’s ok! Kids, hang up and drive unless you’re some sort of warlock who can use his powers for good or for awesome (the more you know…)


There’s some closeness stuff between Caleb and the maybe girlfriend. They go out to the old family colonial cottage and talk about stuff. More generic spooky movie stuff followed by more warnings to Caleb Mini-Crosby to be careful. I half expect a “with great power comes great responsibility” type line, but it doesn’t come. Well, Shucks.


Generic bar scene comes next. My main issue is if they’re in prep school, they shouldn’t be of college age, so they shouldn’t be in a dive like this. The Fabulous Four (I’m so using that term for them now) see a girl in a short skirt and…


9:11 PM gratitoitus upskrit FTW!
9:12 PM Heather: niceeeee
9:13 PM me: ok, so in almost 30 minutes of movies, these boys who have such amazing powers have used them for teh following: jumping from cliff to a bonfire party, vomiting on command, making a car disappear to escape the cops, one made another car disintergrate when he was talking on his phone and ran into a truck, and to blow some random chick's skirt up
Heather: I remember some of that from the trailer
me: yeah
that's most of the trailer
At this point we get to meet Evil dude, or Rogue. He’s the fifth family’s kid. Actually, we may have seen him before, but it’s not like it matters
me: OMG GIRL DANCING SULTRY ESQUE
to I love rock n roll
how didn';t this win an oscar!
Heather: so original!
me: they got robbed
At this point, I think I’ll just let the chat speak for itself, with only a few screen grabs, explanations, etc to clear it up.
9:19 PM OMG levitation n shit!
these guys are greatness
like magna cum laude from Willam Shatner's acting class
Heather: LOL
9:20 PM me: the run down old buildings you see are slightly less wooden then they are
9:21 PM maybe it was Keanu Reeve's acting class and not shatners
I dunno

less! emphasis! on ! every! word
more mumbly and slackjawed expressions
9:24 PM and OMG they showed McGreer again!
Heather: drinkkkkk
9:25 PM me: like 3 in a row
me: OMG SPIDERS
lots and lots of spiders!!
in a girl's room! while she's sleeping in essentially undies!
this is oscar calibre shit right here!
9:27 PM Heather: girls never sleep in just undies
even when its super hot
me: oh thank god it was just a bad dream
I know, why sleep in just like undies and camisole? it gets freaking cold that way
9:28 PM and hot shirtless boys in bed!
Heather: sign me up!

9:35 PM how nice, the hot boys are the swim team, so you know what that means?
Heather: bow chicka wow wowwwww
me: hoty boys=z in speedos lol
and more gratutitous shower scenes!
Heather: yes!
for the ladiessssss
9:36 PM me: actual dialog :
"What are you looking at, fag?"
"that thing between your legs. It's like a penis, only smaller"
and then they fight
Heather: wtf?!
me: in a shower scene after "practice"
9:37 PM I put that in quotes as they just walk around in speedos and talk about something
which is evidently such hard work they must shower afterwards
9:38 PM Heather: clearly

me: and now the swim boys are actually swimming
in speedos
yippe!
9:53 PM Heather: hawtness
me: cus you know every school movie needs a sports moment

9:57 PM holy crap I just did like 7 drinks in a row b/c of McGreer rule
9:58 PM Heather: you might die!
be careful
me: and apparently prep schools don't have "nurses" they have "infirmery"
It's just amusing to me, since the same building that's teh dorms is also admissions office
….
So there were some hallucinations and stuff of spiders and other generic freaky shit made up by evil Dude, so the Fabulous Four has to go to where some original book is and learn how to knock this evil dude out of the game.
10:09 PM me: and now the covenant has floating books and flames and candles n shit
10:10 PM Heather: wow
scary
me: i know
cause they're descended from witches and whatnot

Apparently Rogue Guy materialized a shitload of spiders to attack Longish Hair’s girlfriend and sent her into analphalatic shock. You know, standard diva stuff.
and the rogue guy put a spell on little Crosby's girlfriend's rommate
10:11 PM SPIDERS!
the roomie is girlfriends with long haired guy
so he is PISSED cuz she
10:12 PM is in the hospital for analphalatic shock, yanno, from a buncha spider bites
….
I SWEAR TO GOD THIS IS ACTUAL DIALOGUE "come to save little miss muffet have we? well you're too late! a spider came and sat down beside here and frightened miss muffet away!"
actual fucking dialog
as longish hair revs up his bike
Heather: wow
this movie is full of win
me: ZOMG MATRIX STYLE CAMERA WORK
10:15 PM with longish hair driving toward rogue guy on a motorcycle
longish hair crashes
There’s apparently a ball or something (the scene I got to be in!) but at this point I am so smammered I don’t even really care anymore. Rogue Guy lures mini-Crosby to some abandoned barn so Rogue guy can steal Mini-Crosby’s powers as he “Ascends” and gets his powers
10:22 PM I think rogue guy just made a your mom insult to mini crosby
he will destroy them all when Caleb (min Crosby) "ascends" whatever the hell that means
10:24 PM MOAR TELEKENISIS! FTW!
Heather: I love telekenisis!
OH! Plot development! Rogue Guy has kidnapped Mim-Crosby’s girl and will kill her (or possibly just ruin her dress for the Fall Fest thingy.)
10:49 PM wait....did I just hear "how about I make you my wi-atch"?
like beyotch, but with witches?
10:56 PM ok, so in the climatic barn fight scene, we have fire, balls of what looks like gelatin and random old farm implements all FTW pitchforks n shit
me: more actual dialog :
11:02 PM rogue dude: "are you ready to say uncle?"
mini crosby:"I;m ready for you to go to hell"
11:04 PM oooh kick in the face while lying down
me: OK so now min crosby and rogue boy look like they're just hurling balls of jello at each other
but it's 'MAGIC"
11:06 PM or something
11:10 PM aw shucks mini crosby missed the dance to hurl gelatin balls
I’m pretty sure that there was a conversation that went a bit like this in post-production:
Director: so, We have Evil guy throw a fireball at Caleb—
Producer: Uh, we can’t afford to CGI fireballs
Director: well I dunno, make them do SOMETHING! Have them throw some magic at each other!
What resulted was this:
Yeah, wavy air hurts people. Whatever. Evil dude throws his balls of magic at Mini Crosby's face (HA!)
Mini-Crosby wins and Rogue Guy turns into dust or something. I don’t remember and I really don’t care at this point. All I know is cute boys throwing stuff at each other and acting more wooden than the old colonial buildings around them. I have seen movies like this in that the more you drink, the better it gets. Plot holes seal themselves up, dialogue becomes realistic, and in general it just makes sense. In fact, I'm pretty sure that for this movie if you drank enough tgo make you pass out, this becomes like "Citizen Kane" good.

3 Comments:

wrap around curl said...

I am really glad you didn't die.

Loser Domi said...

not dying is something i try to do everyday

Baroque said...

That reminds me of a horrible movie called "Night of the Comet" - my sister and I stayed up laughing at it and waiting for it not to get sillier and more nonsensical, but it just kept getting worse and worse.

(No drinking, though - we were just in junior high at the time, and couldn't believe that anyone would actually make a movie that bad on purpose and not destroy all evidence of their crappy plotting ability.)

 

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