This week's theme is dating. I had to look up some examples of it on youtube since around here, a date is going to Dunkin' Donuts, getting a pack of smokes, then having a herd of grubby kids. I figure, that's not how everyone dates.
Clip one: the Bruins mascot offers us some choice dating advice:
In clip two, Taylor Swift and Taylor ShirtlessWerewolfDude like hoekcy:
In clip three, a hockey referee requests a date.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Monday, July 26, 2010
(UPDATE: DAMMIT, SCHENN)
I know I've seen you on the Maple Leafs website before, but you still bug me:
WHO ARE YOU, RANDOM LEAF? I think I have seen you identified as "Luke Schenn", but it just can't be. Look at that haircut. I'd expect that from someone like Rickard Wallin or maybe Nikolai Kulemin, but not Luke Schenn. Luke would never get such an emo haircut. And look at that soul patch! The Leafs have not seen a soul patch worth mentioning since the days of Trevor Kidd (and even then it was more along the lines of "the hell is on his face?")
And what the HELL are you trying to prove, stick behind your head, eyes half open. Are you trying to challenge me to a fight, or hit on me? I don't understand you, random Leaf, but maybe that's for the best. Maybe it's better that I don't understand a man who makes his chin look like a porn star's pubic mound.
See you in September,
Thursday, July 22, 2010
This week's theme is Mike Komisarek because 1: he's a Leaf 2: he hits people when his shoulder doesn't hurt 3:he's really pretty and 4: he visits kids with cancer and really likes burgers. To the clips!
Clip one is how Mike spends summers at the 3E institute. (CONTAINS: shirtless Komisarek, may impede work progress)
In clip two, some guy asks Mike oddball questions like "which one of the Kostitsyn brothers is more attractive?" I'll have to agree with Mike's response of "what kind of question is that?"--the correct answer is neither Kostitsyn brother.
Clip three, because it still cracks me up like a madwoman every time, is "Mike Komisarek and Martin Forever Leafs Sucks"
Astute viewers may notice that all of these clips are from when Mike was part of the Montreal Canadiens. I can't help it if right after he went to the Leafs, he hurt his shoulder and stopped doing silly stuff in order to heal. Get well soon, Mike.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Not too long ago, I was asked by someone how on Earth I could like hockey, respect myself, AND be a Leafs fan. To be perfectly honest…
I love when Kessel scores.
I love Kule-aid’s moves.
I love how Kabby skates.
I hope Komi’s not a fluke.
I love the Maple Leafs, and all the Blue and white, Bacon yada, Bacon yada , Bacon yada…
I love Van Ryn’s Bones
I love Phaneuf karaoke nights
I love when Gustavsson saves
I LOVE WHEN LUKE SCHENN FIGHTS
I love the Maple Leafs, but not MLSE
Bacon yada, Bacon yada, Bacon yada, Bacon yada, Bacon yada, Bacon yada, Bacon yada, Bacon yada
I love when Kessel talks
We don’t need top draft picks
I still love Tlusty’s NSFW
I’ll always love calling Hollweg a dick
I love the Maple Leafs, and all the Blue and White
Bacon yada, bacon yada, etc.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
This week's theme is one of the newer Leafs, Kris Versteeg. It looks like Brian Burke has traded for guys I can actually write silly stuff about, as presented by clip one: Versteeg sings "Glamorous" by Fergie
Now, I was thinking of putting the original up for comparison, but I really liked it better when it was done by J.J. Fad and they called it "Supersonic" [NOTE: I originally thought Versteeg was doing "Fergalicious", not "Glamorous". It wouldn't surprise me if he knew "Fergalicious", but J.J Fad is staying just because it's a solid groove]
clip three, after watching Versteeg perform "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy", I honestly can't wait for Steeger to sing "Ebony and Ivory" or "Ain't no Mountain High Enough" with Dion Phaneuf
Maybe they can do "I got you, Babe." Any other suggestions?
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Photo credit: http://coyotes.nhl.com/club/player.htm?id=8470740 )
(SCENE: LEE STEMPNIAK’S new place in Phoenix)
LEE STEMPNIAK: Hi everyone! I’m sorry for the long delay, but moving to Phoenix and scoring all those goals meant I didn’t have all that much time for the show. But now that the Coyotes are out of the playoffs, I can do the show again. I’d like to introduce my lovely finacée Jenna to the show.
JENNA: Uh, yeah. Hi Internet people!
STEMPNIAK: But now I’m here, I’m excited for the playoffs, so let’s go! I just need to find my good buddy, Buttons and we can start. Buttons? (looks around couch, behind chairs, etc.) Jenna…have you seen Buttons?
JENNA: Buttons? You mean, like, on clothing?
STEMPNIAK: No, I mean Buttons my little buddy cat.
JENNA: Do you mean Boss? He’s asleep in the next room, in that sunny spot he likes.
STEMPNIAK: No, not Boss. Buttons. The little black and white cat I always…oh no. You don’t think we forgot him, do you?
JENNA: Lee, do you really need—
JENNA: Holy shit, this is weird. I’m gonna…I’m gonna go to the store for, uh…some smokes. Yeah, Just stepping out for some smokes. (leaves the room.)
STEMPNIAK: Ok, Ok, Lee…(breaths deeply) Buttons is a stuffed cat. He couldn’t have gotten far. Maybe I should call up some of the guys from the Leafs, maybe they know where he is. (calls MIKE KOMISAREK’S place, where PHIL KESSEL is also hanging out.)
MIKE KOMISAREK: Hello?
STEMPNIAK: Hey Mike, it’s Lee Stempniak.
KOMISAREK: Oh, hey Lee! I haven’t heard from you in forever! How’s it going?
PHIL KESSEL: (mockingly) 27 goals, two years ago!
KOMISAREK: Shut up, Phil.
STEMPNIAK: Listen, I think I lost Buttons. And since you were the only repeat guest I could get on the show, I was just wondering if you had seen him or if you thought maybe someone else might know where he is.
KOMISAREK: Wait, Buttons was that little cat of yours, right? If so, I haven’t seen him at all.
KESSEL: Hey Mike, while he’s on the phone, ask him what a butterface is.
KOMISAREK: Phil wants to know if you know what a butterface is.
STEMPNIAK: Phil, I’m not your personal Google.
KOMISAREK: Lee says—
KESSEL: I heard what he said. That must mean he doesn’t know.
STEMPNIAK: Hey, I know a lot of stuff! I went to Dartmouth, after all.
KOMISAREK: Phil, a Butterface is when a girl’s real hot, got a nice body...but a really ugly face. You like everything….but her face.
KESSEL: Is that like that Lady Gaga song that’s like “bu-bu-bu butterface, bu-bu-butterface”
KOMISAREK: You know, I bet if you scraped off the makeup and took off the crazy headdress shit, she wouldn’t be that bad looking. She’d almost be “let her eat crackers in the bed” good looking.
KESSEL: No she’s not! Are you fackin’ blind?
STEMPNIAK: Guys, Guys! I don’t care about Lady Gaga. Have you seen Buttons?
KOMISAREK: Not here. I think Grabbo had a thing against him, so you may want to check that out.
STEMPNIAK: Ok, thanks guys. (calls MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI)
MIKHAIL GRABOVSKI: Vitayu. Grabovski.
STEMPNIAK: Hey, Mikhail, it’s Lee Stempniak. I’m calling because I can’t find Buttons.
GRABOVSKI: What is Buttons?
STEMPNIAK: You remember…my little black and white cat?
GRABOVSKI: Cat was weird. Buttons no like Mikhail. Cat just stares at Mikhail and plots evil.
STEMPNIAK: Buttons is not evil, Mikhail.
GRABOVSKI: Well, I have no seen Buttons. Too busy stabbing new fruits to see Buttons. (in the background, a skeet shooting platform launches and a shotgun is fired)
STEMPNIAK: What the Hell was that?
GRABOVSKI: Good shots, Kulemin!
STEMPNIAK: O…kay. I’ll just hang up now. Have a good one.
GRABOVSKI: Ok, Lee! Hey Kulemin! Leaves me starfruits! Those are fun.
STEMPNIAK: I just don’t know who would know where Buttons could be…wait a minute…what’s that near the window?
STEMPNIAK: You weren’t there before!
STEMPNIAK: Don’t scare me like that!
Monday, July 12, 2010
(SCENE: JEFF FINGER is at TOMAS KERBLE’S house standing on the front lawn.)
FINGER: Welcome to Jeff Finger’s Off-Ice Adventures! I’m Jeff Finger here to show you what real NHL players do in their spare time! My guest today is Maple Leafs defenseman Tomas Kaberle. Tomas, how’s it going?
KABERLE: Is not too bad.
FINGER: So, what’s the plan today?
KABERLE: Today, I am doing some reading, some grilling, and avoiding the MLHS forums like the plague.
FINGER: Cool! What’s on the grill? It smells delicious.
KABERLE: It is recipe I call “Butter steak”. I cook steak, and then I put butter on it.
FINGER: Who the hell puts butter on steak? That sounds really weird but delicious at the same time.
KABERLE: …I just explained butter steak to you. Maybe it is Czech thing, since butter is one of our most important spices, after salt and bacon grease.
FINGER:Man, you Czechs are crazy. Do you know what else is crazy? The huge-ass containers at Costco.
FINGER: I can seriously get a bottle of Robitussin that’s like five galloons’ worth.
KABERLE: Who needs that much cough syrup?
FINGER: I drank it all on the way here.
KABERLE: Holy shit, Finger! That’s really not good for you!
FINGER: Sometimes I put in Jolly Ranchers and call it “Rainbow Stew”, but it’s not like any rainbow stew Merle Haggard’s ever heard of!
KABERLE: Maybe you should see a doctor, Jeff. That much cough syrup cannot be good for your health. It is very concerning—
FINGER: Nothing to be concerned about here. My contract means I can buy a metric buttload of Robitussin and Jolly Ranchers.
ANGRY MAN IN STREET: HEY KABERLE YOU—(KABERLE throws rocks at ANGRY MAN ad hits him in the face)
KABERLE: HA! Got ‘im!
FINGER: What the hell just happened?
KABERLE: It is some random guy who keeps insulting me. I have been trying to chase him away with limited success.
ANGRY MAN: (garbled mess)
FINGER: Oh, man, he’s not dead! He’s angry!
KABERLE: Well, he is leaving now, I am ok with that.
FINGER: (awkward pause) So….What do you see for the future of the Maple Leafs?
KABERLE: I told you, I am avoiding forums. They want to trade me for Bobby Ryan and Jeff Freakin’ Carter. But I am not worried.
FINGER: Yeah, I noticed you’re pretty Zen about this whole thing. How can you do that?
KABERLE: In Czech republic, we have saying: “Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be.”
FINGER: Dude, if you start singing, I will punch you in the throat.
KABERLE: No worries, for I do not know the rest of the song.
FINGER: Uh, ok. That's all I have for this episode of Jeff Finger's off ice adventures. Join me next time when I meet up with Dion Phaneuf when he attempts to set a world record in baby eating.
Friday, July 9, 2010
If you'll excuse me for being Sens-Suck levels of creepy, today's theme is Leafspace Monika. I'll be honest, this is just an excuse to post her interviewing Phil Kessel and hitting him with the microphone again.
In clip two, Monika interviews Brayden Schenn, who may be wearing light eyeliner:
clip three is Monika and one of her friends in the Hockey Hall of Fame. I so wish I had a friend like that to go around like that: