(SCENE: SEAN AVERY is sitting alone at home, drinking and playing Grand Theft Auto)
AVERY: GAH! I got wasted after only 2 stars? This game is friggin’ impossible! (drains ninth Appletini) God, those things are good. Siiigh…I’m so bored…and lonely…and horny. Well, it looks like it’s time for a visit from one of my favourite señoritas, Juanita! (puts dirty sock over his left hand and speaks in voice much like Eric Cartman’s Jennifer Lopez ) Oh hey babe!
JUANITA: Don’t you “hey babe” me, cholo! I saw you with those two black hose over in the laundry basket.
AVERY: Do you mean Shaneekwa and De’Kondrei? Baby… that was just sex—it didn’t mean anything to me, unlike you. Now come here and keep me company—Daddy’s kind of lonely tonight.
JUANITA: Maybe you’re so lonely ‘cause you act like a grande asshat to anyone you meet. Remember that Raevynne chick? [http://wwold.blogspot.com/2008/07/cock-knockers-incorporated-volume-3.html]Wasn’t that just like holding a mirror up to yourself?
AVERY: You know, you’re right Juanita. She showed me that being a rude conceited ass will only get you what you want, like, 85% of the time. Maybe I should do some apologizing. I really pissed off a lot of people. (takes out phone, dials DARCY TUCKER)
AVERY: Hi, is this Darcy Tucker? Listen, I want to apologize.
TUCKER: Uhh, who is this calling, please?
AVERY: It’s me, man! Captain Cock Knocker! Sean Mutha Fuckin’ Avery! Who’d you think it was?
TUCKER: I should find out where you live and beat you so the bruises don’t show, asshole, or sodomize you with a rusty chainsaw! Where the flying fucksticks did you get this number?
AVERY: No, I wanna apologize!
TUCKER: Apologize? You? How uninstigator-like of you.
AVERY:I know I’ve been a total asshat you before and that was just ice talk, you know? Like, I’m supposed to piss people off and I just called to say I’m sorry for telling the preemie looking guy to die of cancer and for banging your mom and I’m sorry for starting those rumours on the internet that you’re totally into bestiality—
TUCKER: What about my mom? And what rumours I’m into bestiality?
AVERY: You’ll hear them, don’t worry. Look—er, listen, since you’re on the phone—I think that even though we’ll be enemies off the ice, I bet we could totally be best buddies off it. We could even be shopping buddies, I mean, you got this great butch thing going—
TUCKER: Lemme check my pants—ok, I got Bow, chicka and bow wow. Sorry Sean I have two testicles and a penis, so I’ll have to decline.
AVERY: But why? I think we’d be great buddies!
TUCKER: Well, I’m kind of confused by your tactics, so I’ll keep acting tough until I figure it out.
AVERY:That’s all I could ask for, buddy! Feel free to call me anytime ! (hangs up) Wow, that wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. (dials MARTIN BRODEUR)
AVERY: Marrrrrty! Yo man, it’s Avery. I wanna apologize to you.
BRODEUR: Bullcrap! No way has Sean Avery ever apologized for anything. You’re just Parise or someone screwing with me.
AVERY:No way, it’s really me. Listen, I really do want to apologize for, you know, calling you fat and waving my stick in your face. I get paid to piss people off and I try to do well at my job. Besides, my stick is so much longer than yours.
BRODEUR: Whatever, my stick is wider. I heard the ladies love that more than length anyway.
AVERY: Yeah, listen, I’ll make it up to you: I’ll make you my special apology pie. I swear I won’t even put any Ex-Lax in it this time.
BRODEUR: I’d have to say no. How are you going to mail it?
AVERY: I hadn’t thought of that, but hey, it’s the thought that counts right?
BRODEUR: O…kay. Ummm…I’m going to hang up now. I think I have a…food…in the oven.
AVERY: OK, good luck, man! (hangs up) And now for the hardest one of all (Dials ELISHA CUTHBERT’s number. DION PHANEUF answers)
PHANEUF: Hello? (AVERY hangs up)
AVERY: Shit! I can’t call her. Maybe if I texted her…it’s worth a shot.
AVERY: plz cum back 2 me?
AVERY:bcuz dion has the AIDS n herps
CUTHBERT/PHANUEUF: no I don’t. U know what she’s doin? me
CUTHBERT/PHANUEUF: lol fag
CUTHBERT/PHANUEUF:8===D (AVERY hangs up)
AVERY: Damn cock knockers. Well, Juanita, it looks like it’s just us tonight.
JUANITA: Why don’t you wash me every now and again? I’m so crusty you’re gonna cut yourself, cholo!